Closer

I can't expect things to change right away.

I can't expect things to be completely normal.

But I can hold on.

I can hold on to faith and trust and understand that I might get hurt.

I can hold on to my knowledge and not just my emotions.  I can hold onto how much I have learned and how much I have grown and how much progress I have seen.  Just tonight he made that extra effort to apologize to my face for not paying attention.  He didn't forget about it or put it out of his mind.  The way he looked at me.... the way he ran his fingers through my hair the way he knows makes me melt and then kissed me.  The way he took charge.  The way he smiles at me and makes those sweet little laughs to himself and always brushes them off when I ask him why, but just grins at me and pulls me closer.  The way I now he is trying and I can see him trying. The way he gives me goosebumps and the way he makes me completely content when we are lying on the couch together watching a movie. The way he is showing me that he loves me.

I need to remember that this doesn't have to mean forever.  I need to remember that this is not the end of the world and its not the start of a new one.  I need to remember the joy he has given me and realize that it's okay for things to change.  It's okay for us to struggle.  And it's okay to make mistakes that won't harm us in the long run.

That man is loved so much.

New Skin

I feel like I'm starting to grow into my skin.  Which is a really scary feeling.

I have never been forced to be as independent as I am right now.
I have never been forced to put effort into my relationship with Christ without some kind of support system.
It's strange, and as much as I hate it, I know that I will appreciate it.
Because I know that God will not leave me out to dry.  I know he is watching, seeing how I am going to deal with all of the things he has put on my plate, knowing that the only way I am going to come out alive is if I give them all back to him and ask for help.

Now if only I could actually listen to my own words.

The biggest struggle of my life has constantly been connecting my knowledge to my feelings, and my feelings to my actions.  I'm confined by my senses to really know what God is like and what He is doing.

Lately, I've just been really, really afraid.

Of what, I'm not quite sure, but I have a few ideas.

This is where growing into my new skin comes into play.

I'm scared because things that I have loved and people that I have been undoubtedly affected by, inspired by, and blessed by are starting to seem a thing of the past and that's completely terrifying.  No one likes change, but it's rare that you are able to see the change happening in front of you and you can differentiate what is the old and what is the new about you.

It's like taking a blindfold off and realizing that you are at a cross road and you have no idea how you got there and there is no road leading back to the place you used to be, the place your heart longs to be, in familiar territory.  And you have to make a decision as to which road to take, else you will just decay, staring at the cross roads, in eternal, nail-biting angst over which one to take.  What kind of life is that?

It's MY life right now.  The life that God has given me right now.

And I will choose to be joyful, right now, and always.

Whisked Away

It's November 22nd and it feels like September 3rd.
It's a balmy 65 degrees out and the wind has just come to a hush.
I wait in anticipation for the gusts to come billowing towards me again, making the water on the lake dance and shimmer.
My hair tickles my neck and I'm thankful for it.
Even though I was just complaining about it being far too long merely 3 minutes previous.
I just got a glimpse of the Heaven's scenery as the bronze colored leaves were whisked together to form an inappropriately timed autumn tornado.
I mean it's almost December for goodness' sake!

The leaves died down only to get sucked back into the sky as though they were unashamedly running towards their creator.
What a beautiful example.

My friend sits across from me, eyes fixed on her work, critically scrutinizing the ins and outs her her latest assignment.
Who would have thought University could make one so careful and conscientious for 5 days and indescribably irresponsible and idiotic for the remaining two?
It's the Jekyll and Hide phenomenon of college, I suppose.

With only 2 short days left until I return to my home, which, as much as I am still fervently loyal to 57 Berlin Road, is becoming a center of joy, I have to take a step back and look at how far I have come.

Or rather, how far God has taken me.
And as I think about the things I have learned, the work I have done and the friendships I am forming, I'm amazed.  Not at the capability of God, but at the grace of God.  I don't deserve any of this, because He would be glorified without my existence. But He loves me.  And it's beautiful.

The Power of Knowledge

You're better than this.
Whatever it is that you keep telling yourself... it's wrong.
You can do better.
You will do better.
You can defeat the things that overwhelm you.
Not by yourself, no never.
But with the Lord, anything is possible.

But dang it's hard.

I keep having to tell myself over and over and over again that God is bigger than anything I could possibly be going through.
He is bigger than anything I can imagine happening to me.
He is bigger.
He is stronger.
And He is SO real.

It's so hard being on your own.
Having to fight for yourself and not having someone else to turn to other than God.
Okay, that's not really true. I have so much support.

I need to realize that it's not up to me.
IT never was and it never will be.
I need to remember that relief is present and relief is coming.
I want to do that again. I want to remember.

Sometimes my thoughts are so disjointed from what I am portraying to be me.
Sometimes my emotions don't match up with the situation and sometimes who I AM is not what everyone else sees.

I am blindly trusting God.
Not because I doubt that He will always hold me close but because right now, I can't feel Him holding me close.
But I know the Truth.
The Truth that He will NEVER leave me.

It doesn't matter if I don't feel it or believe it at the moment, I know that it's true.
And if I know that, I will always have a foundation that will not falter.

Yea, it actually makes no sense at all.
It sounds completely backwards and upside down and downright idiotic to blindly trust something that I cannot see, cannot feel at the moment and cannot believe in at times.
But that's what's so beautiful about it.

I have a tendency to throw myself at people and things anyway. I tend to overly trust people and ideas and concepts, to the extent that it can hurt me.
And in this one case its the best thing God could have ever given me.
He is the one thing I know will NEVER fail me, the one person who I KNOW will always call me back when I break his heart over and over again.
That itself is humbling.

Knowledge is so underrated and misunderstood.
Knowledge can be one of the best tools to have, which might sound weird coming from someone who just said leaping into the Love of God blindly is one of the most freeing things you can do.
Knowledge, and I don't mean book knowledge, can help to separate the twisted, murky, lustful, hating, jealous emotions and thoughts from the truth.
Because in the end, it's the TRUTH that matters.

It's the trust in the knowledge that God's kingdom is being furthered by your actions, if you are in fact pursuing Christ, whether you feel passionate in them or not.
Whether you are happy while doing them or not. Whether you can say with all honesty that you love what you're doing.
Trusting that what Jesus said, that in the end the Kingdom of God will prevail, will never lead you astray, even if you FEEL it has.

I will be the first to tell you that emotions can distort your perception of everything and that they can mess with your mind and they can skew what you know.
But I'm learning the importance of Truth.
I'm learning the importance of being able to hold on to the knowledge that God will prevail no matter how many new emotions I discover I am capable of and no matter how many destructive things they cause me to do.

It is with undying trust in the knowledge of my beautiful Savior that I leap into His love and protection. It is with determined faith that, in the end, I know joy will be in my heart for eternity.

Nights Like These

its nights like these that I want to remember for the rest of my life. nights like these when he cuddles up with me on the couch and hold me tight while we watch Doctor Who together. Nights like these when we ride the creaky ferris wheel at he county fair anr discover that cherry lollipops really do taste awesome that high up, above he world. Nights like these when we sit in he car thinkig of stupid, silly kisses. Nights like these when he looks at me, arms clasped tight around my back and jtells me how incredibly blessed he feels. Nights like these that make me almost cry when I tell him how much I love him. These are the nights I want to remember for the rest of my life, because I don't know how long he is going to be in my life. I want to make sure that each and every memory made, every kiss shared, and every conversation I have with this incredible person is cherished and remembered, whether we are meant for forever or not. Nights like these show me just how awesome God is. I don't need anything other than Christ, yet God gives me a man who makes me feel incredibly special and who loves you more than anythifng else. Whatever the amount if time may be that this man is in my life, I thank God for every second of it. These are the nights when I am made aware of God's grace and love, and I have to admit...I'm floored.

Leaping into His arms...again

I find myself wanting to change the way I feel
I find myself wanting to change my outlook, my perspective
I find myself wanting to get out of this stupid little pity hole
But it's so difficult.

I find myself writing my emotions down over and over again
I find myself blindly spelling words hoping that they can get my point across
I find myself searching for my point
But it's so difficult.

I'm faced with death and sorrow
I'm faced with love and joy
I'm faced with happiness
But it's so difficult.

But it shouldn't be so difficult.
It shouldn't be so difficult to be happy for the things I have.
It shouldn't be so difficult to appreciate life.
But it's so difficult.

So soon we can be turned into dust
Turned into nothingness that will be forgotten in a few years time
And how in the world do we continue to complain about the little things that get us down?
How in the world do we continue to harp on the stupid frivolities that don't even matter in the long run?
It's just so difficult.

I've dealt with death.
I've dealt with the death of two brothers.
I've dealt with the death of cousins.
I've dealt with the death of family members of people close to me.
And I'm teetering on the edge of the death of my childhood.

It sounds so cliche to be putting this all into words.
It sounds so unreal to know that my childhood is over.
I don't want to leave, yet I don't want to stay.
It's uncomfortable and it's sad but it's inevitable.

We hold on to the people who bring us happiness like it's our job.
We hold on to the memories that we think will provide joy in the future.
We hold on so tightly to things that can so easily be wiped away with our very lives and where does it get us?
Things become difficult, then.

Sometimes I feel like I'm staring out from within this body I have
Sometimes I feel like I really don't belong here.
Sometimes I feel like I'm destined for something greater but I am holding myself back
And sometimes I just feel plain old stupid.

Time is a nasty little bug that has taken control of us all.
Time has taken its sneaky little black hands and has grabbed a hold of all that we hold dear.
Time has taken those things and put them in bondage and the only way we are going to be able to have any contact with them is to obey the laws of time.
And who is time to tell us when to cherish what we have?

Who is really in charge here?
Who is really in control?
I sure as heck hope it's not me because I'm screwing up enough as it is.
Who is really in charge here?

I can't seem to make any sense of anything around me
And I guess that's ok.
Or rather it's going to have to be okay or I'll actually go insane.
And I'm not ready for that quite yet.

I'm not one to say give up.
I'm not one to say it's over.
I'm not one to say it's too late.
And I'm not one to stop loving even in the face of indifference.

So here it goes.
Taking a giant leap of faith into the arms of Christ in the hopes that I will come out renewed again, like every other time I have trusted Him.
Forever, He is mine and I am His.
And that will never change.

Home?

I feel trapped inside this stupid little room in this stupid little house that isn't mine.  I'm stuck inside this bright blue aqua room that could never be mine.  I'm trapped waiting to go back home, realizing that I'm never going back home.  I know they say that home is where the heart is and home is where your family is but right now I don't feel like my family gets me. This new house isn't home...

This is my home:

A once warm, delicious smelling kitchen
slumps silently into a still hibernation.
It's coordinator no longer capable of managing its tasks.

A once joyful room of feasting lets out a
melancholy sigh, and with it all the past
memories, tastes, and laughs that it imbibed
through the years. It's vital organs being
transplanted elsewhere.

A once inviting snuggle lair stretches its
cushioned arms out for one last hug...
but the faces turn away.

A once industrial washroom let's out its
first sign of emotion: a cry to be needed, but
the mountains of fabric will never reach its mouth
again.

A once cramped, but buzzing, station of toiletry
and cosmetics brushes off its layer of
makeup to reveal the concealed memories of pre-event
excitement, in hopes to convince its masters to stay a
while longer.

A once climbing staircase rounds its edges as it
has no need to keep its structure, now that its
ascendants have ascended another just like it.

A once personally, perfect dream cube oozes the
last of its yellow sunshine out of her
pores, reminding her sleeper of the tears, joys, and
poems written within her perimeter...but little
miss sunshine bids her adieu and her
paint melts away, staining the floorboards forever.

A once soapy, steamy rain forest sends all the
birds of its boughs to sing a melody that
is irresistible, yet the bathers resist without
a choice.

A once studious classroom flips through the
pages of her many books, desperate to make
a good, convincing argument, but she comes up
hopeless and succumbs by handing over every
leaf of paper she is made of, surrendering to
the truth of the matter.

A once smelly, odd, "vroom" emitting room
makes a deal with his playmate of
12 years, " I promise I'll clean myself up...
just don't leave", but the boy salutes and
turns away.

A once cozy, safe-haven room watched silently
as her offspring say goodbye to their respective
owners and a tear trickles from her left eave.
She doesn't try to stop them though, she is wiser
than the rest, and knows they will be able to
hold new owners soon enough... just not as
well.

And even the dank cricket crypt moans.
As each piece of furniture is removed, another
ton of memories is piled onto its cement walls.
It has held up the past 15 years worth of life and now,
in the blink of an eye, it has nothing to hold.

And that is the heaviest weight of all.




I wrote that right before we moved ... and it still hits home every time I read it.

The Bowl

What would happen if you wrote down all of your struggles, fears, heartaches, failures, vulnerabilities and weakness on little slips of paper and then put them all in a bowl?  And I don't mean only the BIG issues, I mean even the little things that make you anxious, like getting enough sleep so that you look pretty in school/work the next day so the cute, new guy notices you.  Or worrying about how many times you cracked your back today because you heard that can cause problems down the rode and lead to back pain.

What would happen if you put everything that weighs you down in a bowl and then let a random stranger pull one of those things out arbitrarily?

Pause.  Freak out. Unpause.

And what would happen if that stranger stood up on stage in front of billions of people and read that piece of paper through a loud speaker?

Pause.  Have a spaz attack. Unpause.

And WHAT IF that stranger then asked you to come up on stage and tell everyone why that was weighing you down and what you were going to do about it?

Pause.  Die.  Unpause.

What would you say?  Why IS that fear/struggle/heartache/failure/vulnerability/weakness (man that's a mouthful) weighing you down?

I think it all comes down to trust.

You fear your secret getting out because if it did, you can't trust that anyone would still love you.
You struggle with keeping good habits and breaking bad ones because you are only trusting yourself.
Your heart aches with the loss of friendship because you can't trust that new ones are right around the corner.
Your failures haunt you because you don't trust the future.
You are vulnerable because you trusted too much.
You are weak because you can only trust yourself.

What would happen if, instead of trusting only in ourselves, we trusted in someone who will never let us down.  Someone who will always be a shoulder to cry on and will always keep promises.  Someone whose very existence created the ultimate trust bond. Someone who, without ever looking back, laid his life down for all of humanity so that we could have something and someone to trust.

What would happen if we all trusted Jesus Christ?

You wouldn't fear your secret getting out because you can trust in the unconditional love of Christ.
You wouldn't struggle with making good habits and breaking bad habits because with Christ, anything is possible.
You would be able to let friendships go when the time came without it destroying your world because your world would be Christ.
You would be able to stand tall in the face of your failures and trust that Christ will ALWAYS pick you back up again.
You would be able to throw all of your vulnerabilities on Christ, trusting that He can handle them and turn them into confidence within you.
You would be strong in Christ, and through Christ, and only with Christ because you would have nothing to lose.

But doing that is hard to do.  Actually it's impossible to trust perfectly in Christ, but trying to get closer and closer to complete trust in Christ is what we, as a people, as HIS people, need to be striving for. Only then will we be able to stand up in front of millions and read out from those slips of paper with confidence and humility and utter words of His lips.

I pray that we can throw all of our fears and struggles and heartaches and failures and vulnerabilities and weakness into the bowl and let Christ define us.

That is my prayer.

Leaving the Nest

Tiny baby, fast asleep
Tiny baby, not a peep
Tiny baby, it is true
Tiny baby, I love you

Little darling, sweet and bright
Little darling, full of light
Little darling, running free
Little darling, I love thee

Sweet, young princess, smart and coy
Sweet, young princess, spewing joy
Sweet, young princess, stay in line
Sweet, young princess, you are mine

Daring dreamer, flying far
Daring dreamer, touch the stars
Daring dreamer, don't be scared
Daring dreamer, you've been dared

Why do we need to love?

Before you read any further, I have to warn anyone reading that this may not seem logical or sensible, what I am about to write, but I also must warn anyone reading that I simply don't care:)

Being in love is a curious thing.  It is something felt, longed for, worried over, and cried over since time began and I think that has some merit.  Why are we all yearning so much, deep down, to be in love?  Why does it matter so much to us that we are loved by someone other than ourselves?  Quite frankly, we were simply made to love and to be loved. First and foremost by and for God but secondly by the people around us. 

Being in love is not just something that you do or something that simply happens.  Sure it may come upon you like a tidal wave and make everything else seem so infinitesimal but it happens because of an attraction that caused a thought to pop into our heads... "What if this person actually wants to discover me for who I am? What if I am meant for something other than simply entertaining myself?  Now I am not saying that I know the ins and outs of being love, far from it.  I am simply stating that I have been, and I am in love and it is the most wonderful, yet interesting thing I have encountered.

It makes me feel like I have just breathed in the freshest air on earth or like I've just tasted the finest delicacy the best chefs have to offer.  It makes me feel special to know that there is someone else who finds me worth fighting for and worth inconveniencing themselves.  It makes me feel on top of the world and like a complete and utter princess!  But why do I feel this way?

I'm still trying to figure out the answer but I think I have somewhat of a clue.

I believe that we have relationships on Earth because we were made that way.  I know I already said that but it's true.  God made us to love Him and each other and beyond that, there is not much else to our lives.  So that makes love pretty important huh?

But there is a great difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. 

Being in love is something that you cannot necessarily control.  It's all the butterflies you get after your first kiss or the sweat running down your hands as you prepare to meet the family. It's daydreaming and missing the homework and it's sending silly text messages at 2:07 in the morning to your beloved one just to tell him you cannot bear the thought of anything happening to him.

Loving someone is a choice.  It is not something that just happens.  It is choosing (with all realization of the shortcomings and failures of the other person) to put his or her happiness before your own and to place your selfish wants far behind.  Loving someone is difficult.  As Sara Groves puts it "Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing".  Love is extremely difficult because that is what everything must be resting on.  Love must be the foundation of a relationship because you won't always be in love with someone, but you can choose to always love them.  And I'm sure that must be unbelievably hard to do when you are absolutely NOT feeling in love with them at the moment. 

Love must be the foundation of a relationship and we learn what love is from God.  God IS love, therefore, GOD must be the foundation of a relationship for it to truly blossom and grow.  My darling man and I have made a commitment to making God the foundation of our individual lives and the life of our relationship as well.  I'm not going to pretend that we have it all figured out, because we don't.  We are merely dating, and I know that there are so many more hardships to come if we are to get married, but even if we aren't, I know that I am learning every step of the way what it means to love him. 

It pains me to think of life without him, it truly does.  I can't imagine how difficult that would be... to know that he is moving forward in his life without me, and perhaps with another woman.  But I CAN imagine myself getting through it with the complete reliance on God.  IT would be absolutely horrendous and I would no doubt be in a fit of depression, but I would be able to move on, because I know that my self worth and my purpose does not reside in him, but in Him.  In my Lord is where I find my unconditional love, my self-worth, and my purpose.  It is only through Him that I know what true love is and that I can never achieve the truest of love on Earth because God gave us that and that was perfection. 

All I know is that this man who I am so lucky to be with has blessed me in ways I cannot describe in words (which is funny because I usually ALWAYS have something to say about EVERYTHING).  He is kind and gentle, he is playful and silly, he is loyal, he is honest, he has integrity and above all else, he loves our Lord with all his heart, with all his mind, with all his body and with all his soul and that is the most attractive thing about him.  He treats me right and then some and that's all I can ask for.

So I'm not completely sure where all of this was going but I guess it was just a little bit of my opinion on love and what it truly is.  I hope that in some way I have been an example to you reading this!

-The Redheaded Snippet

The Reasons Behind the Words

I'm one of those people who can't EVER keep her mouth shut.  I talk every spare moment I get (even when I'm sleeping) and the only time I'm not talking is when I'm upset, which doesn't happen often.  I'm a bit of an attention seeker, I'll be the first one to tell you that, but I'm learning to let others have the spotlight as they rightly should!  Words have always fascinated me; The way they can create any mood you want amazes me.  The way one phrase can heal a friendship or create a bond of love enthralls me.  I just can't seem to get enough of those little words and phrases that affect everyone around me day in and day out.  Not only is speaking such a gift, but writing, for me, has been an outlet and a pleasure.  I write to express the things that I cannot say and the things that I have to see with my own eyes to believe.  I write to perfect my feelings in a way that speaking just can't sometimes. 

I say all of that to say this:  This blog will not really have any rhyme or reason to it, other than to express the feelings, questions, and opinions that my tangled spaghetti brain comes up with.  I don't plan to have any revealing moments or revolutionary ideas (although that would be nice if that were one of the results of this blog), only to put some words down on "paper".

So I hope that in some way, whoever is reading this will learn something or laugh a little, or even realize that there are people weirder and more ridiculous than they are. 

Enjoy!

The Redheaded Snippet