Oh my wonderful Jesus, may my eyes be ever fixed upon You!
Jesus come quickly, for Your children are weeping.
Jesus come gently, for Your daughters are weak.
Jesus come wisely, for our enemy is prowling.
Jesus, You are my warrior;
the One in whom all of my confidence must be found.
But oh, how often do I seek the approval of man when Yours is the only one that lasts!
To hear You whisper softly,
"Well done, my good and faithful servant,
my precious daughter.
You have made my day, my beautiful princess."
Oh that, that is the aim of my life.
Jesus I know only an infinitesimally small amount about who You really are...
I want to know more!
Oh Jesus, my precious Jesus!
Would I have been the woman who anointed your head with fragrant perfume before You were brutally crucified for my grotesque sins?
Or would I have been the once-loyal Judas who turned you in for 30 pieces of silver - about $21.60?
$21.60?!
Surely not I!
As quickly as those words come out of my mouth I realize their weight and I try to catch them,
but they slip through my weak fingers and slam against this page.
Oh, those words my mind uttered, so bitterly familiar.
Were those not the exact words that Judas used when You announced that a betrayer was among You and Your disciples?
Were those not the exact words that Peter swore by before he thrice denied even knowing You?
I am the betrayer, unaware of the heights my pride will soar with my reputation on its wings.
I am the narcissistic deceiver, unable to acknowledge the selfishness that consumes me or the deceptions I use even upon myself.
And aren't those the plights of man: pride and selfishness?
How quick I am to justify my sin.
How swift are my feet to run to evil,
and how keen are my eyes to look for trouble.
And yet...
You love me.
I don't understand this love that you are.
I cannot describe it in any other way than the glowing light that has nestled itself into the very depths of my soul.
There, no one, no man, no demon, no evil, can ever touch.
There, you reside.
$21.60 was the worth that you held in Judas' mind.
Who am I to say that I would not have fallen in the same footsteps?
Who am I to say that I would not have denied you 3 times after an adamant profession of the opposite? Who am I to say there would not be a fourth?
For $21.60, I nailed you to the cross.
For $21.60, I chose myself over You.
21 dollars and 60 cents: the monetary amount that lead to the biggest pay-off in the history of man-kind.
Oh what a Savior we have!
Friday, March 10, 2017
Monday, December 12, 2016
This is my God
Where the cold wind gusts, your lips quiver in frozen fear
Where the mountains shake and roar, your ears ring in doubtful terror
Where the storms and waters rise, your lungs gasp for air
Oh sinner, you step, and you fall on your face
Oh sinner, you speak, and bridges burn at your words
Oh sinner, you touch, and poison spreads throughout
But Oh!
Where the cold wind gusts, there my God walks calmly!
Where the mountains shake and roar, there my God sits peacefully!
Where the thunder and lightning crash, there my God rests His head!
My God, He whispers, and tornadoes swirl
My God, He blinks, and the earth quivers
My God, He hums, and the oceans up heave themselves
Oh were I to simply see the plans He has for me
To see the plans to prosper and the plans for joy.
But in that sight and knowledge, where would the trust then be?
The trust would be in myself, to carry out the plans
The trust would be not in Him, a dreadful mistake to make!
If only I recognized His gait in the swirling winds
His steps on the muddy ground beneath me
If only I could stop the ringing in my ears
and hear His sweet love song to me
If only I could inhale the life He exhales
as He rests among the lightning bolts
As I sit and ponder His greatness, I am left feeling small
This I am thankful for.
For were I not to understand my smallness,
I would not see the magnitude of God's greatness.
And in His magnificence, He sees my smallness
and He loves me.
He sees that slight pang of jealousy that flashes through my heart
He hears the muttering of bitterness underneath my breath
He feels the heartbreak I feel at losing a friend
He watches as I choose joy over sorrow
He watches as I choose anger over love
and He loves me.
To know that my smallness is bringing about God's magnitude
allows cognitive dissonance to rear its head
It is paradoxical by nature and it is controversial to say the least
But in making less of me and more of Him,
my life is inexplicably fuller.
The God who touches the water and hurricanes blow.
is the God who touches a wave and calm stillness controls the ocean.
The God who leans down to whisper and thunder claps,
is the God who speaks and the skies respond with blue.
The God who had His own son murdered by His own people,
is the God who loves us enough to give us a way out of ourselves.
I forget who this God is more often than I wish to admit
I deny His name in the confines of my own head
I do things against Him everyday
and He loves me.
Where the mountains shake and roar, your ears ring in doubtful terror
Where the storms and waters rise, your lungs gasp for air
Oh sinner, you step, and you fall on your face
Oh sinner, you speak, and bridges burn at your words
Oh sinner, you touch, and poison spreads throughout
But Oh!
Where the cold wind gusts, there my God walks calmly!
Where the mountains shake and roar, there my God sits peacefully!
Where the thunder and lightning crash, there my God rests His head!
My God, He whispers, and tornadoes swirl
My God, He blinks, and the earth quivers
My God, He hums, and the oceans up heave themselves
Oh were I to simply see the plans He has for me
To see the plans to prosper and the plans for joy.
But in that sight and knowledge, where would the trust then be?
The trust would be in myself, to carry out the plans
The trust would be not in Him, a dreadful mistake to make!
If only I recognized His gait in the swirling winds
His steps on the muddy ground beneath me
If only I could stop the ringing in my ears
and hear His sweet love song to me
If only I could inhale the life He exhales
as He rests among the lightning bolts
As I sit and ponder His greatness, I am left feeling small
This I am thankful for.
For were I not to understand my smallness,
I would not see the magnitude of God's greatness.
And in His magnificence, He sees my smallness
and He loves me.
He sees that slight pang of jealousy that flashes through my heart
He hears the muttering of bitterness underneath my breath
He feels the heartbreak I feel at losing a friend
He watches as I choose joy over sorrow
He watches as I choose anger over love
and He loves me.
To know that my smallness is bringing about God's magnitude
allows cognitive dissonance to rear its head
It is paradoxical by nature and it is controversial to say the least
But in making less of me and more of Him,
my life is inexplicably fuller.
The God who touches the water and hurricanes blow.
is the God who touches a wave and calm stillness controls the ocean.
The God who leans down to whisper and thunder claps,
is the God who speaks and the skies respond with blue.
The God who had His own son murdered by His own people,
is the God who loves us enough to give us a way out of ourselves.
I forget who this God is more often than I wish to admit
I deny His name in the confines of my own head
I do things against Him everyday
and He loves me.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Lead us on
I want you when you're silly
and I want you when you're sad
I want you when you're happy
and I want you when you're mad
I want you when you're doing well
and I want you when you're hurting
I want you when you're so confused
and I want you when you're flirting
I want you when you're singing
I want you when you're not
I want you when you're feeling cold
and when you're feeling hot
I want to see the same colors you see
I want to experience your world
I want to hear the way you do
to think your thoughts, unfurled
You have taught me how to think
more efficiently and steady
You have taught me how to question
and to know when I am ready
Ready to jump
ready to leap
ready to risk the hurt
Trusting in Him
Giving Him all
Even though we are simply dirt
You reminded me of this
a curious, interesting thing
That our lives are so incomplete
without the love of our King
From dirt we came and to dirt we'll go
Our bodies dissolving like mist
But to run this race with you by my side
will be to finish it joy-kissed.
Kissed by joy
and kissed by sorrow
Kissed by the promise
of a better tomorrow
Tomorrow, to God
is a thousand years
In the eternal scheme of things
it holds no fears!
My companion and my friend,
you speak such truth to me
Our God has been so gracious
to let us live so free!
Here's to many more hours of laughter
and here's to the lonely days
When we look back on these moments
We will give Him all the praise.
I will follow you until my feet have failed
And then I will board a ship
Oh love, lead us heavenward, closer to Christ
Holding to Him we shall not slip.
and I want you when you're sad
I want you when you're happy
and I want you when you're mad
I want you when you're doing well
and I want you when you're hurting
I want you when you're so confused
and I want you when you're flirting
I want you when you're singing
I want you when you're not
I want you when you're feeling cold
and when you're feeling hot
I want to see the same colors you see
I want to experience your world
I want to hear the way you do
to think your thoughts, unfurled
You have taught me how to think
more efficiently and steady
You have taught me how to question
and to know when I am ready
Ready to jump
ready to leap
ready to risk the hurt
Trusting in Him
Giving Him all
Even though we are simply dirt
You reminded me of this
a curious, interesting thing
That our lives are so incomplete
without the love of our King
From dirt we came and to dirt we'll go
Our bodies dissolving like mist
But to run this race with you by my side
will be to finish it joy-kissed.
Kissed by joy
and kissed by sorrow
Kissed by the promise
of a better tomorrow
Tomorrow, to God
is a thousand years
In the eternal scheme of things
it holds no fears!
My companion and my friend,
you speak such truth to me
Our God has been so gracious
to let us live so free!
Here's to many more hours of laughter
and here's to the lonely days
When we look back on these moments
We will give Him all the praise.
I will follow you until my feet have failed
And then I will board a ship
Oh love, lead us heavenward, closer to Christ
Holding to Him we shall not slip.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
21 Years of Thank You's!
So somehow I have survived 21 years in this mixed up, weird, beautiful, temporary world. But not without the help of some really special people. I want to thank them here. Maybe this sounds insincere or not personal since it's not being spoken out loud for in person, but I speak more comfortably on paper (or digital screen) and I often am able to convey how I feel much more accurately without all of the "uhms" and "likes" and "you know's". So here is my attempt, we'll see where it goes...
First, I want to thank my Dad. I didn't write any facebook post for Father's Day this year or post an instagram throwback from 1998. As much as I loved seeing all of the posts and instas and blogs about Dads, I couldn't bring myself to add mine, because it just didn't feel special. His dedication would just get lost in all of the news feeds and probably only skimmed over. And my dad deserves way more than that. Now, that's not to say that I didn't have anything to write about. In fact, I knew I couldn't write something short and concise and still give him the credit and honor he deserves. The past few years I have really grown to appreciate my dad in all the areas I had taken for granted in years passed. I never realized how much work goes into filling out the FAFSA, for example. I never realized how much work goes into fixing one part in a car (and then realizing that it actually wasn't even that part that needed to be fixed but three other parts). My dad has taught me the value of hard work and hard work I have had to do these past 3 years of college. He stays up late to talk with me and my brother even if he has to get up early to lead our church in worship. He listens as I gush about my boyfriend, rolling his eyes but with a smile on his face. He has never stopped loving my mom. He's shown me how to be patient when those around me are doing the opposite of what I need them to do. My dad makes me laugh when I want to be moody and he acts like a 4 year old when I need him to. He holds me when I'm crying because the other half of my heart is sailing the seas. My dad is strong, he is safe, and he loves Jesus. One of the things I am most thankful for is the sense of hope and calm that I have after talking with him about something I'm stressing over. He reminds me that I am loved, I am special, and I'm not doomed. So, dad, thank you for teaching me what to look for in a man, for teaching me my worth, and for showing me through your incredible example the value of hardwork and trusting Jesus. I love you!
Next up on the "Thank You!" list is my lovely mom. I'm already smiling writing this :) Mom, I trust you with everything. You're beautiful and witty and so smart and so REAL. For those of you who don't know, my mom has been a stay at home mom from the time I was born up until about 3 years ago when she took a part time job working at Country Curtains (special shout-out to all the ladies there who have brought such joy into my mom's life. She always has stories about you all and I feel like I know at least 3 things about everyone). She was also diagnosed with a nerve disorder around the same time as the start of her new job. One that uprooted our family and cause us to reevaluate what was really important in our family. Throughout all of it, she was always real about how hard it was, how frustrated she was, how she was trying to trust God. All of that was so valuable for me to see. It killed me to see her struggle (still does), but it showed me that life sometimes sucks and you can't rely on your mind, your body, or your heart. You have to rely on the One who made those things. I have only grown increasingly thankful for her choice of staying home with my brother and I as we grew up and went through school and friends and clothes and bad decisions and joyful laughs. She sacrificed a career for me and she threw herself headlong into teaching me and my brother to be honest, silly, faithful human beings. It's actually really hard for me to write this with any sort of rhyme or reason because I honestly don't know where or who I would be without her. God gave her a heavenly voice and He decided to pass on some of those genes to me. One of the biggest compliments I have ever received (from my dad, thanks dad) was that I sound like my mom when I sing. She has taught me that one of the most important things you can be is transparent. She might give a little guffaw at that statement. But I don't mean transparent to everyone (that's something I have been too much of ever since I was little), but transparent to the ones you love and the ones who you know love you. Throughout elementary, middle school, and even a bit in high school, my mom and I wrote notes to each other. Actual, hand-written, paper notes that were folded in intricate ways and left secretly on each other's nightstand. I still have those notes and I genuinely think they were a huge part of the reason I cling to my writing as an outlet and easier way to express myself other than speaking. No matter what the topic of the note was (and they were usually pretty important topics), she always ended them by telling me, "you're normal, you are beautiful, and I love you so much!", or something along those lines. The message was always felt. Mom, you are my biggest confidant, my favorite person to play hidden object games with (I just played one last night by myself, it was boring without you), and the mom I hope to be like someday. Thank you, I love you!
Little bro. Wuzzup? Okay I know you don't talk like that (well no one does anymore). You're one of the few people who I actually think I talk to better than write to. Not sure why... I often forget how lucky I am to have you in my life. We lost two brothers, but God decided that we shouldn't be alone under Mom and Dad's parenting (probably for our sanity). I'm so proud of you, even if you might not be proud of yourself sometimes. That doesn't mean you don't do dumb things sometimes. YOU aren't dumb, but your schemes, sometimes they are! I believe in you, even when you think it's dumb to believe that you can do more than you think you can. I want so much for you. Nate, thanks for being a dufus. A really smart dufus, though. Thanks for that. Thanks for reminding me that I can relax a little bit more and it's alright to lounge around all day sometimes. Thank you for being so different from me. You've taught me how to relate to some of my best friends without even knowing it. I have no doubt that you're going to be just fine, no matter what other dumb stuff you have to go through. I love you so much. I wish we got to spend more time together. Thank you for being my little brother.
Lindsay. Oh how do I write this? This girl. This girl has made me realize things about myself that I never knew before. She has opened up my heart to see some ugliness inside and then has chosen to pick up a shovel and dig it out with me. She has inspired me with her love of all things pure and simple. She has astounded me with her ambition and her drive. She has gone after (and captured) things I would only dream of or read about in magazines. The coolest part is that she's got 3/4 of her life ahead of her! She has loved me through my flaws and she has laughed with me through my most ridiculous moments. Pretty sure you're the first person I've met who is weirder than I. But I've also never met someone with such a LOVE for LIFE. You have battled terrible things. Things that no one should ever have to even see a hint of on their battlefield. In your weakness, God has been so strong. Lindsay, even though I've only had the privilege of knowing you for the last three years, you've impacted me. So very much. I can't thank you enough for loving me the way you do. I can't wait to be in each other's weddings and have our kids meet (and be best friends, we'll make them). I can't WAIT for our senior spring and all the shenanigans we're going to get into ;) You are more than a friend, you are family, and I love you!
Speaking of best friends, Ashley, you were my first! Sure I had other friends who I thought fit that role, but it wasn't until the 3rd or 4th sleepover that I realized that you were the first one to truly fit that position in my life. I did all the girly, stupid things that two best friends do in movies and silly pre-teen magazines. All the sleepovers, dances, junk food, fun trips, and late night tv until we fell asleep were so important to me. Thank you for never giving up on me when I made dumb choices and dated dumb guys. Thank you for being honest and loving me enough to tell me that he was a dumb guy. You saved me so much heart break and you saved our friendship. Thank you for always reuniting with me after the months of being apart! I look forward to many more reunions! I love you!
And now I come to a different kind of friend. A friend who has made cardboard sleds with me and smushed mud in my hair and called me pretty; a friend who has hung ice cream out of windows with me and has run intervals in the pouring rain with me; a friend who has made me smile wider than I thought possible and has made my heart explode with joy... a friend who has made it so easy to fall in love with him. I'm pretty sure you all probably know by now, but I'm referring to my wonderful boyfriend, Ian. This man has been in my life for only a short year and a half and yet, he has had one of the biggest impacts on my life. Even the parts of my past that he has never seen. Even the parts of my life that have not yet been determined. His determination, focus, and diligence in almost everything he does is inspiring. He leads me towards Christ and my heart just leaps knowing that he will continue to do that. He has taken care of me when I've been sick, he has sung to me, has danced with me, and he has given me a whole new sense of what sweetness is. He is one of the silliest people I know and I genuinely think he might be goofier than I am, which is saying a whole lot. Ian, you are the kind of man that I have dreamed of and my dream is slowly but surely becoming a reality. Watching you go through the trials and frustrations and joys and pride moments of being at the Coast Guard Academy brought tears to my eyes on many, many occasions. Not always tears from missing you (although that made up the majority), but tears of pride and tears of joy and tears of love. Thank you for instilling in me a deeper desire to actively cultivate my relationship with Christ. Thank you for forgiving me when I've hurt you. Thank you for always being honest with me. Thank you for thinking about the little things and thank you for planning. Your companionship has made my life so full of joy! You know exactly how I would end this little paragraph...but I'll let that be between us :)
Gram, thank you for always being up for anything. Even if your body said no, your heart has said yes. That doesn't always mean that you have been able to do everything you want, but you have tried! You taught me so much about God. All those Saturday nights of rolling my hair in curlers and painting my nails for Sunday School. All the hours spent on dance hair and dress trims... I love telling people about you! You're such a special, rare person and I love you so much! Thank you for making such a huge mark on my 21 years!
And now for a few I just can't forget!
Mrs. Hopper, thank you for your words of wisdom as I learned how to manage being a leader on my team! I'm sure there will be many phone calls to come :) Thank you for being so easy to talk to and for showing Ian what to look for in a woman. You have blessed my life in little ways I never expected! I can't wait to see what's next, thank you!
Miranda, although our relationship is just starting to grow deeper, I have always appreciated your kindness. Recently, you have shown me such love and acceptance and I can't tell you how much hope you have brought to my life. You are such a wonderful example of someone who loves the the Lord, loves her husband, and loves her children. Thank you for your words and for your love!
Mrs. Mac, Mrs. Patterson, Mr. Galda, and Mr. Harrison,
You were all pivotal teachers throughout my young academic years. You each taught me different things: Mrs. Mac - you taught me how important it was to have integrity and to stand up for what I believe in. Mrs. Patterson - you taught me that I was not going to just skate through my classes for the rest of my life! You taught me discipline and how to love learning. Mr Galda - you taught me the value of being myself! You taught me the value of being kind to those I don't always get along with or those who I wouldn't necessarily hang out with. Mr. Harrison - you taught me how to push myself even when I really didn't want to. You taught me how to be better than I thought I could be. You taught me that every choice matters and that I can always give more effort. Thank you all for pouring your lives into mine and all of the others students you have taught.
God has been faithful to me every moment of these past 21 years. He has been faithful when I have doubted and when I have hated and when I have wanted to give up. He has been faithful and merciful when I have disobeyed him and when I have refused to listen. My God has continued to pick me up and show me that HE is love. I have so much to be thankful for, but His love and the salvation I have received because of his Son are the things I must put on top. Oh how different my life would be without His gentle, ever faithful hand holding me. God, my God, I cannot give you an ounce of what you are worthy of. So I give you my life, all that I have, all that I ever will be. I love you!
First, I want to thank my Dad. I didn't write any facebook post for Father's Day this year or post an instagram throwback from 1998. As much as I loved seeing all of the posts and instas and blogs about Dads, I couldn't bring myself to add mine, because it just didn't feel special. His dedication would just get lost in all of the news feeds and probably only skimmed over. And my dad deserves way more than that. Now, that's not to say that I didn't have anything to write about. In fact, I knew I couldn't write something short and concise and still give him the credit and honor he deserves. The past few years I have really grown to appreciate my dad in all the areas I had taken for granted in years passed. I never realized how much work goes into filling out the FAFSA, for example. I never realized how much work goes into fixing one part in a car (and then realizing that it actually wasn't even that part that needed to be fixed but three other parts). My dad has taught me the value of hard work and hard work I have had to do these past 3 years of college. He stays up late to talk with me and my brother even if he has to get up early to lead our church in worship. He listens as I gush about my boyfriend, rolling his eyes but with a smile on his face. He has never stopped loving my mom. He's shown me how to be patient when those around me are doing the opposite of what I need them to do. My dad makes me laugh when I want to be moody and he acts like a 4 year old when I need him to. He holds me when I'm crying because the other half of my heart is sailing the seas. My dad is strong, he is safe, and he loves Jesus. One of the things I am most thankful for is the sense of hope and calm that I have after talking with him about something I'm stressing over. He reminds me that I am loved, I am special, and I'm not doomed. So, dad, thank you for teaching me what to look for in a man, for teaching me my worth, and for showing me through your incredible example the value of hardwork and trusting Jesus. I love you!
Next up on the "Thank You!" list is my lovely mom. I'm already smiling writing this :) Mom, I trust you with everything. You're beautiful and witty and so smart and so REAL. For those of you who don't know, my mom has been a stay at home mom from the time I was born up until about 3 years ago when she took a part time job working at Country Curtains (special shout-out to all the ladies there who have brought such joy into my mom's life. She always has stories about you all and I feel like I know at least 3 things about everyone). She was also diagnosed with a nerve disorder around the same time as the start of her new job. One that uprooted our family and cause us to reevaluate what was really important in our family. Throughout all of it, she was always real about how hard it was, how frustrated she was, how she was trying to trust God. All of that was so valuable for me to see. It killed me to see her struggle (still does), but it showed me that life sometimes sucks and you can't rely on your mind, your body, or your heart. You have to rely on the One who made those things. I have only grown increasingly thankful for her choice of staying home with my brother and I as we grew up and went through school and friends and clothes and bad decisions and joyful laughs. She sacrificed a career for me and she threw herself headlong into teaching me and my brother to be honest, silly, faithful human beings. It's actually really hard for me to write this with any sort of rhyme or reason because I honestly don't know where or who I would be without her. God gave her a heavenly voice and He decided to pass on some of those genes to me. One of the biggest compliments I have ever received (from my dad, thanks dad) was that I sound like my mom when I sing. She has taught me that one of the most important things you can be is transparent. She might give a little guffaw at that statement. But I don't mean transparent to everyone (that's something I have been too much of ever since I was little), but transparent to the ones you love and the ones who you know love you. Throughout elementary, middle school, and even a bit in high school, my mom and I wrote notes to each other. Actual, hand-written, paper notes that were folded in intricate ways and left secretly on each other's nightstand. I still have those notes and I genuinely think they were a huge part of the reason I cling to my writing as an outlet and easier way to express myself other than speaking. No matter what the topic of the note was (and they were usually pretty important topics), she always ended them by telling me, "you're normal, you are beautiful, and I love you so much!", or something along those lines. The message was always felt. Mom, you are my biggest confidant, my favorite person to play hidden object games with (I just played one last night by myself, it was boring without you), and the mom I hope to be like someday. Thank you, I love you!
Little bro. Wuzzup? Okay I know you don't talk like that (well no one does anymore). You're one of the few people who I actually think I talk to better than write to. Not sure why... I often forget how lucky I am to have you in my life. We lost two brothers, but God decided that we shouldn't be alone under Mom and Dad's parenting (probably for our sanity). I'm so proud of you, even if you might not be proud of yourself sometimes. That doesn't mean you don't do dumb things sometimes. YOU aren't dumb, but your schemes, sometimes they are! I believe in you, even when you think it's dumb to believe that you can do more than you think you can. I want so much for you. Nate, thanks for being a dufus. A really smart dufus, though. Thanks for that. Thanks for reminding me that I can relax a little bit more and it's alright to lounge around all day sometimes. Thank you for being so different from me. You've taught me how to relate to some of my best friends without even knowing it. I have no doubt that you're going to be just fine, no matter what other dumb stuff you have to go through. I love you so much. I wish we got to spend more time together. Thank you for being my little brother.
Lindsay. Oh how do I write this? This girl. This girl has made me realize things about myself that I never knew before. She has opened up my heart to see some ugliness inside and then has chosen to pick up a shovel and dig it out with me. She has inspired me with her love of all things pure and simple. She has astounded me with her ambition and her drive. She has gone after (and captured) things I would only dream of or read about in magazines. The coolest part is that she's got 3/4 of her life ahead of her! She has loved me through my flaws and she has laughed with me through my most ridiculous moments. Pretty sure you're the first person I've met who is weirder than I. But I've also never met someone with such a LOVE for LIFE. You have battled terrible things. Things that no one should ever have to even see a hint of on their battlefield. In your weakness, God has been so strong. Lindsay, even though I've only had the privilege of knowing you for the last three years, you've impacted me. So very much. I can't thank you enough for loving me the way you do. I can't wait to be in each other's weddings and have our kids meet (and be best friends, we'll make them). I can't WAIT for our senior spring and all the shenanigans we're going to get into ;) You are more than a friend, you are family, and I love you!
Speaking of best friends, Ashley, you were my first! Sure I had other friends who I thought fit that role, but it wasn't until the 3rd or 4th sleepover that I realized that you were the first one to truly fit that position in my life. I did all the girly, stupid things that two best friends do in movies and silly pre-teen magazines. All the sleepovers, dances, junk food, fun trips, and late night tv until we fell asleep were so important to me. Thank you for never giving up on me when I made dumb choices and dated dumb guys. Thank you for being honest and loving me enough to tell me that he was a dumb guy. You saved me so much heart break and you saved our friendship. Thank you for always reuniting with me after the months of being apart! I look forward to many more reunions! I love you!
And now I come to a different kind of friend. A friend who has made cardboard sleds with me and smushed mud in my hair and called me pretty; a friend who has hung ice cream out of windows with me and has run intervals in the pouring rain with me; a friend who has made me smile wider than I thought possible and has made my heart explode with joy... a friend who has made it so easy to fall in love with him. I'm pretty sure you all probably know by now, but I'm referring to my wonderful boyfriend, Ian. This man has been in my life for only a short year and a half and yet, he has had one of the biggest impacts on my life. Even the parts of my past that he has never seen. Even the parts of my life that have not yet been determined. His determination, focus, and diligence in almost everything he does is inspiring. He leads me towards Christ and my heart just leaps knowing that he will continue to do that. He has taken care of me when I've been sick, he has sung to me, has danced with me, and he has given me a whole new sense of what sweetness is. He is one of the silliest people I know and I genuinely think he might be goofier than I am, which is saying a whole lot. Ian, you are the kind of man that I have dreamed of and my dream is slowly but surely becoming a reality. Watching you go through the trials and frustrations and joys and pride moments of being at the Coast Guard Academy brought tears to my eyes on many, many occasions. Not always tears from missing you (although that made up the majority), but tears of pride and tears of joy and tears of love. Thank you for instilling in me a deeper desire to actively cultivate my relationship with Christ. Thank you for forgiving me when I've hurt you. Thank you for always being honest with me. Thank you for thinking about the little things and thank you for planning. Your companionship has made my life so full of joy! You know exactly how I would end this little paragraph...but I'll let that be between us :)
Gram, thank you for always being up for anything. Even if your body said no, your heart has said yes. That doesn't always mean that you have been able to do everything you want, but you have tried! You taught me so much about God. All those Saturday nights of rolling my hair in curlers and painting my nails for Sunday School. All the hours spent on dance hair and dress trims... I love telling people about you! You're such a special, rare person and I love you so much! Thank you for making such a huge mark on my 21 years!
And now for a few I just can't forget!
Mrs. Hopper, thank you for your words of wisdom as I learned how to manage being a leader on my team! I'm sure there will be many phone calls to come :) Thank you for being so easy to talk to and for showing Ian what to look for in a woman. You have blessed my life in little ways I never expected! I can't wait to see what's next, thank you!
Miranda, although our relationship is just starting to grow deeper, I have always appreciated your kindness. Recently, you have shown me such love and acceptance and I can't tell you how much hope you have brought to my life. You are such a wonderful example of someone who loves the the Lord, loves her husband, and loves her children. Thank you for your words and for your love!
Mrs. Mac, Mrs. Patterson, Mr. Galda, and Mr. Harrison,
You were all pivotal teachers throughout my young academic years. You each taught me different things: Mrs. Mac - you taught me how important it was to have integrity and to stand up for what I believe in. Mrs. Patterson - you taught me that I was not going to just skate through my classes for the rest of my life! You taught me discipline and how to love learning. Mr Galda - you taught me the value of being myself! You taught me the value of being kind to those I don't always get along with or those who I wouldn't necessarily hang out with. Mr. Harrison - you taught me how to push myself even when I really didn't want to. You taught me how to be better than I thought I could be. You taught me that every choice matters and that I can always give more effort. Thank you all for pouring your lives into mine and all of the others students you have taught.
God has been faithful to me every moment of these past 21 years. He has been faithful when I have doubted and when I have hated and when I have wanted to give up. He has been faithful and merciful when I have disobeyed him and when I have refused to listen. My God has continued to pick me up and show me that HE is love. I have so much to be thankful for, but His love and the salvation I have received because of his Son are the things I must put on top. Oh how different my life would be without His gentle, ever faithful hand holding me. God, my God, I cannot give you an ounce of what you are worthy of. So I give you my life, all that I have, all that I ever will be. I love you!
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Sovereign
I've toiled and sought
I've wrestled and fought
A master of none,
not even myself
Do I own trophies in you?
Do they have their own shelf?
Every branch that breaks
There you are
Every wave that wakes
You can't be far
Every petal that blooms
There, that's you
Every bee that zooms
That's you too
I'm trying to learn how to love you best
Trying to discern, when I'm put to the test.
Nothing goes unnoticed...
no, not a blink.
Every action has been seen...
yes, every wink.
Help me, God, to know your true delights
That I might skilfully use them to show your might.
Help me, God, to love you better
With each word that leaves my mouth,
Help me, God, to spread your love letter
East and west, north and south.
And in the end I want to be
Lying exhausted at your throne,
At last to be completely free
To know you've finally called me home.
This, my God, is what I'm learning:
That you are worth more than I will ever know,
Your priceless blood keeps my soul churning,
And to you, my life, I eternally owe.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Rise and Shine!
It's been awhile since I've written to you.
The words on my tongue just haven't seemed good enough lately.
It's as though the connectors in my mind have decided only to relay the facts and the rivers flowing through my heart only carry emotion.
But the two have not met.
The facts stay facts and the emotions stay perched on their lofty cloud.
You created my mind and you designed my heart.
You made me want to craft beautiful phrases using exotic words.
You wanted me to be tickled by the mere sight of a chipmunk.
You made me crave warm hugs; hugs that I get lost in and cannot see past.
You designed me for intimacy with you.
You made my soul sensitive to slight breezes and cloudy, white whispers.
You knew, before I first discovered it, the solitude that I crave in the midst of your creation.
You knew that no matter how old I grew,
no matter how much my innocence was plucked from me,
no matter how hardened I might become...
a blue sky, a crisp river, and some dirt under my finger nails would always be the way you spoke to my soul.
Words of such deep love and fierce desire to hold me even closer.
The little girl who so fiercely proclaimed your glory through her admiration of your creation has awoken again!
Her nap lasted a bit too long, but she is here again and ready to lap up your love in the waves of your oceans.
She is ready to draw hearts in the mud and name the beetles on the tree trunk supporting her nimble frame.
She is ready to dive into your waters without a life jacket!
She has missed the taste of salt water and the chill across her skin that only a gust of your breath can produce.
She craves the look you give her when you send lightning bugs to sit on her nose and she craves the touch of sun through which you send your kiss.
She craves every part of you through every part of your creation.
She has awoken and she is ready;
ready to be overwhelmed by the hurricane of brilliant love you have designed for her to be swept up in!
The words on my tongue just haven't seemed good enough lately.
It's as though the connectors in my mind have decided only to relay the facts and the rivers flowing through my heart only carry emotion.
But the two have not met.
The facts stay facts and the emotions stay perched on their lofty cloud.
You created my mind and you designed my heart.
You made me want to craft beautiful phrases using exotic words.
You wanted me to be tickled by the mere sight of a chipmunk.
You made me crave warm hugs; hugs that I get lost in and cannot see past.
You designed me for intimacy with you.
You made my soul sensitive to slight breezes and cloudy, white whispers.
You knew, before I first discovered it, the solitude that I crave in the midst of your creation.
You knew that no matter how old I grew,
no matter how much my innocence was plucked from me,
no matter how hardened I might become...
a blue sky, a crisp river, and some dirt under my finger nails would always be the way you spoke to my soul.
Words of such deep love and fierce desire to hold me even closer.
The little girl who so fiercely proclaimed your glory through her admiration of your creation has awoken again!
Her nap lasted a bit too long, but she is here again and ready to lap up your love in the waves of your oceans.
She is ready to draw hearts in the mud and name the beetles on the tree trunk supporting her nimble frame.
She is ready to dive into your waters without a life jacket!
She has missed the taste of salt water and the chill across her skin that only a gust of your breath can produce.
She craves the look you give her when you send lightning bugs to sit on her nose and she craves the touch of sun through which you send your kiss.
She craves every part of you through every part of your creation.
She has awoken and she is ready;
ready to be overwhelmed by the hurricane of brilliant love you have designed for her to be swept up in!
Friday, December 18, 2015
What I've Learned From Dating Long-Distance
I have only been in 2 serious relationships. One that spanned from Junior year of high school to Freshman year of college, and one that began Sophomore year of college and is growing as I type this. My high school relationship taught me a TON. For 6 months we were both in high school and lived about 20 minutes from each other. It was great! It showed me how hard it was to be apart from your dual best friend and boyfriend. And it showed me how wonderful it was to anticipate his return! It showed me how special it was to hold hands in the snow and it taught me how important the little things are. It taught me a lot of really great things.
But it wasn't right for me.
Or rather, he wasn't right for me.
And equally, I wasn't right for him.
But he taught me about what I really need in a man through his flaws. And don't get me wrong, I don't say that to belittle him or to make it seem as though his only role in my life was to teach me what I didn't want. I have lots of flaws too that I'm sure he learned that he didn't want in a wife when the time came.
I learned that I am sometimes too tolerant; often as a result of just really missing him and wanting to smooth everything over. I learned that God doesn't deserve just 95% of me, he deserves the full 100%. I learned that trusting God often means taking a leap, blindfolded, into an abyss of uncertainty. Sometimes it means that everything else around you is falling apart BUT God. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do thus far, but it was also the closest I have ever been to God. That first week after the break up was the first time I experienced depressed joy. I was withering on the outside, my skin felt as though it was just flaking off. But my heart, shattered as it was, was being repaired by nothing less than the pure and all-healing love of Jesus.
Dating long-distance, the first time, taught me about myself and about just how much of a jealous, perfect God I have to worship.
Contentment sought me and I finally let it find me after that. I struggled with loneliness and the fear that I would never find anyone who had made my heart move like that boy. But God slowly and gently softened my soul and wrestled my heart until it surrendered wholly to Him. I felt what it meant to be unconditionally loved and to need nothing but that as my mainstream of sustenance.
And then I met my best friend.
I met Ian just as I was becoming comfortable with my singleness. I saw him as just a cute army boy in my hated logic class who I would probably never have a decent conversation with. Little did I know that he would change my whole world, slowly and then all at once. It began as a single hour of tutoring, which turned into another, which turned into an all day finals study session, including multiple push-up breaks (by him of course). I began to notice the depth to which his soul reached. I didn't see it all at once, but I saw something different. I was being pulled in with every frustrating logic problem that he so eloquently explained to me. I began to fall for those beautiful, mossy green eyes of his.
We began to build a friendship and I still remember the first time I heard him pray during an InterVarsity large group night. I'm not sure what it was that captivated me about hearing his solid, unwavering voice speak words of hope and thankfulness to our Creator... but it pierced my heart and the puncture didn't heal, in the most beautiful way possible. It was the kind of wound that begged my attention into the wee hours of the night and cried out in blissful agony, forcing me to think about him and his beautiful eyes. He pursued me and did things for me I had only read about in fairy tales. He swept me off my feet without warning and I fell utterly and completely in love with him.
We spent 3 wonderful months exploring our new-found, friendship-entwined, love story and then all at once, our time together was threatened. My sweet boy had been accepted to the United States Coast Guard Academy, the school of his dreams that could give him the future of his dreams. I was so happy for him and I had to stay focused on him or else I would fall apart. When I stopped to observe myself in the midst of his joy, I couldn't help but melt slowing into a pitiful puddle of my own perspiration and tears. God had just placed this man, this friend, into my life only to take him away? I couldn't understand it, but I knew I was endlessly happy for Ian. Here he was, spreading his wings and preparing to join a band of brothers set out to protect and rescue the people of our nation. I have never been so proud.
We struggled those first few weeks after he was accepted. We had no idea what was going to happen next. He kept telling me that he wasn't quite sure if he was going to go or not. I tried to smile as he told me that, but I knew he was going from the moment he told me that he made it in to the Academy. It was where he was supposed to be, and even I knew that, having only known his handsome heart for a matter of months. He was so uncertain of our future and he didn't know if it was worth the hurt. I remember standing in the basement of our usual study building, holding his face in my hands and telling him that I didn't know what the future held for us, but that I was willing to find out. I told him that I was prepared to fight for us because the little that I had been privileged to learn about him proved to me that he was worth the hurt and the distance and the wait. He was still uncertain and it took about 3 more weeks until he stood in my upstairs hallway saying goodnight to me and I asked him this question: "Are you still unsure about us?". And he smiled, pulled me closer, and responded with, "No", and kissed my forehead.
I visited him in Houston, Texas, about 2 weeks before he shipped off to the Academy. Those days spent together were pivotal for our relationship. He slipped a letter into my hands as we fought back tears in the airport, knowing this was the last time we would see each other before everything changed for him. I sat on the plane, staring out the window, clenching my fist around that letter, tears silently streaming down my face. I just kept replaying the last line over and over again in my head: "So let's continue to fight, Emma. You're so worth it!". Oh how sweet those words meant to me. How deeply they wrapped their arms around my heart and assured me that this distance was not stronger than the friendship we had, as cliche as that sounds. I was ready to take on the distance and the horrifically, limited amount of communication; I was ready to take on the phone calls with weak signals and our reunions being only a weekend long; I was ready to fight for a lifetime with this man.
Dating long-distance this time is teaching me about loving someone else. It is teaching me that a lasting relationship is built on friendship. It is teaching me that friendship is built around laughter and tears, dancing and singing, doubts and uncertainties, and just a little bit (okay, sometimes a lot) of romance.
One of the biggest differences between my first experience with dating long-distance is that the first time, I was dating a boy who truly wanted to please me but wasn't quite mature enough to do so. I was focused on myself and how I could control and fix the relationship. This time, I am dating a man who truly wants to please our God and wants to bring me along for the ride. I am learning to focus less and less on myself and more and more on my Savior.
Dating long-distance has taught me that a relationship does not "just happen" when two people are "just meant for each other". It takes work! It takes sacrifice and it takes compromise. Serving and loving should be synonyms when it comes to relationships. I have never desired to serve someone the way I want to serve this man. And not only that, but he let's me be okay with being served by him and with feeling feminine.
I'm still learning that he is in fact NOT perfect. He is flawed and he is not where God wants him to be yet. God is not finished with him yet. There is still a lot of uncertainty, many days we will spend apart, and many long months of 1 phone call a week. I'm not sure where Jesus is going to drive us, but I do know that I fervently want to find out.
But it wasn't right for me.
Or rather, he wasn't right for me.
And equally, I wasn't right for him.
But he taught me about what I really need in a man through his flaws. And don't get me wrong, I don't say that to belittle him or to make it seem as though his only role in my life was to teach me what I didn't want. I have lots of flaws too that I'm sure he learned that he didn't want in a wife when the time came.
I learned that I am sometimes too tolerant; often as a result of just really missing him and wanting to smooth everything over. I learned that God doesn't deserve just 95% of me, he deserves the full 100%. I learned that trusting God often means taking a leap, blindfolded, into an abyss of uncertainty. Sometimes it means that everything else around you is falling apart BUT God. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do thus far, but it was also the closest I have ever been to God. That first week after the break up was the first time I experienced depressed joy. I was withering on the outside, my skin felt as though it was just flaking off. But my heart, shattered as it was, was being repaired by nothing less than the pure and all-healing love of Jesus.
Dating long-distance, the first time, taught me about myself and about just how much of a jealous, perfect God I have to worship.
Contentment sought me and I finally let it find me after that. I struggled with loneliness and the fear that I would never find anyone who had made my heart move like that boy. But God slowly and gently softened my soul and wrestled my heart until it surrendered wholly to Him. I felt what it meant to be unconditionally loved and to need nothing but that as my mainstream of sustenance.
And then I met my best friend.
I met Ian just as I was becoming comfortable with my singleness. I saw him as just a cute army boy in my hated logic class who I would probably never have a decent conversation with. Little did I know that he would change my whole world, slowly and then all at once. It began as a single hour of tutoring, which turned into another, which turned into an all day finals study session, including multiple push-up breaks (by him of course). I began to notice the depth to which his soul reached. I didn't see it all at once, but I saw something different. I was being pulled in with every frustrating logic problem that he so eloquently explained to me. I began to fall for those beautiful, mossy green eyes of his.
We began to build a friendship and I still remember the first time I heard him pray during an InterVarsity large group night. I'm not sure what it was that captivated me about hearing his solid, unwavering voice speak words of hope and thankfulness to our Creator... but it pierced my heart and the puncture didn't heal, in the most beautiful way possible. It was the kind of wound that begged my attention into the wee hours of the night and cried out in blissful agony, forcing me to think about him and his beautiful eyes. He pursued me and did things for me I had only read about in fairy tales. He swept me off my feet without warning and I fell utterly and completely in love with him.
We spent 3 wonderful months exploring our new-found, friendship-entwined, love story and then all at once, our time together was threatened. My sweet boy had been accepted to the United States Coast Guard Academy, the school of his dreams that could give him the future of his dreams. I was so happy for him and I had to stay focused on him or else I would fall apart. When I stopped to observe myself in the midst of his joy, I couldn't help but melt slowing into a pitiful puddle of my own perspiration and tears. God had just placed this man, this friend, into my life only to take him away? I couldn't understand it, but I knew I was endlessly happy for Ian. Here he was, spreading his wings and preparing to join a band of brothers set out to protect and rescue the people of our nation. I have never been so proud.
We struggled those first few weeks after he was accepted. We had no idea what was going to happen next. He kept telling me that he wasn't quite sure if he was going to go or not. I tried to smile as he told me that, but I knew he was going from the moment he told me that he made it in to the Academy. It was where he was supposed to be, and even I knew that, having only known his handsome heart for a matter of months. He was so uncertain of our future and he didn't know if it was worth the hurt. I remember standing in the basement of our usual study building, holding his face in my hands and telling him that I didn't know what the future held for us, but that I was willing to find out. I told him that I was prepared to fight for us because the little that I had been privileged to learn about him proved to me that he was worth the hurt and the distance and the wait. He was still uncertain and it took about 3 more weeks until he stood in my upstairs hallway saying goodnight to me and I asked him this question: "Are you still unsure about us?". And he smiled, pulled me closer, and responded with, "No", and kissed my forehead.
I visited him in Houston, Texas, about 2 weeks before he shipped off to the Academy. Those days spent together were pivotal for our relationship. He slipped a letter into my hands as we fought back tears in the airport, knowing this was the last time we would see each other before everything changed for him. I sat on the plane, staring out the window, clenching my fist around that letter, tears silently streaming down my face. I just kept replaying the last line over and over again in my head: "So let's continue to fight, Emma. You're so worth it!". Oh how sweet those words meant to me. How deeply they wrapped their arms around my heart and assured me that this distance was not stronger than the friendship we had, as cliche as that sounds. I was ready to take on the distance and the horrifically, limited amount of communication; I was ready to take on the phone calls with weak signals and our reunions being only a weekend long; I was ready to fight for a lifetime with this man.
Dating long-distance this time is teaching me about loving someone else. It is teaching me that a lasting relationship is built on friendship. It is teaching me that friendship is built around laughter and tears, dancing and singing, doubts and uncertainties, and just a little bit (okay, sometimes a lot) of romance.
One of the biggest differences between my first experience with dating long-distance is that the first time, I was dating a boy who truly wanted to please me but wasn't quite mature enough to do so. I was focused on myself and how I could control and fix the relationship. This time, I am dating a man who truly wants to please our God and wants to bring me along for the ride. I am learning to focus less and less on myself and more and more on my Savior.
Dating long-distance has taught me that a relationship does not "just happen" when two people are "just meant for each other". It takes work! It takes sacrifice and it takes compromise. Serving and loving should be synonyms when it comes to relationships. I have never desired to serve someone the way I want to serve this man. And not only that, but he let's me be okay with being served by him and with feeling feminine.
I'm still learning that he is in fact NOT perfect. He is flawed and he is not where God wants him to be yet. God is not finished with him yet. There is still a lot of uncertainty, many days we will spend apart, and many long months of 1 phone call a week. I'm not sure where Jesus is going to drive us, but I do know that I fervently want to find out.
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