Nights Like These

its nights like these that I want to remember for the rest of my life. nights like these when he cuddles up with me on the couch and hold me tight while we watch Doctor Who together. Nights like these when we ride the creaky ferris wheel at he county fair anr discover that cherry lollipops really do taste awesome that high up, above he world. Nights like these when we sit in he car thinkig of stupid, silly kisses. Nights like these when he looks at me, arms clasped tight around my back and jtells me how incredibly blessed he feels. Nights like these that make me almost cry when I tell him how much I love him. These are the nights I want to remember for the rest of my life, because I don't know how long he is going to be in my life. I want to make sure that each and every memory made, every kiss shared, and every conversation I have with this incredible person is cherished and remembered, whether we are meant for forever or not. Nights like these show me just how awesome God is. I don't need anything other than Christ, yet God gives me a man who makes me feel incredibly special and who loves you more than anythifng else. Whatever the amount if time may be that this man is in my life, I thank God for every second of it. These are the nights when I am made aware of God's grace and love, and I have to admit...I'm floored.

Leaping into His arms...again

I find myself wanting to change the way I feel
I find myself wanting to change my outlook, my perspective
I find myself wanting to get out of this stupid little pity hole
But it's so difficult.

I find myself writing my emotions down over and over again
I find myself blindly spelling words hoping that they can get my point across
I find myself searching for my point
But it's so difficult.

I'm faced with death and sorrow
I'm faced with love and joy
I'm faced with happiness
But it's so difficult.

But it shouldn't be so difficult.
It shouldn't be so difficult to be happy for the things I have.
It shouldn't be so difficult to appreciate life.
But it's so difficult.

So soon we can be turned into dust
Turned into nothingness that will be forgotten in a few years time
And how in the world do we continue to complain about the little things that get us down?
How in the world do we continue to harp on the stupid frivolities that don't even matter in the long run?
It's just so difficult.

I've dealt with death.
I've dealt with the death of two brothers.
I've dealt with the death of cousins.
I've dealt with the death of family members of people close to me.
And I'm teetering on the edge of the death of my childhood.

It sounds so cliche to be putting this all into words.
It sounds so unreal to know that my childhood is over.
I don't want to leave, yet I don't want to stay.
It's uncomfortable and it's sad but it's inevitable.

We hold on to the people who bring us happiness like it's our job.
We hold on to the memories that we think will provide joy in the future.
We hold on so tightly to things that can so easily be wiped away with our very lives and where does it get us?
Things become difficult, then.

Sometimes I feel like I'm staring out from within this body I have
Sometimes I feel like I really don't belong here.
Sometimes I feel like I'm destined for something greater but I am holding myself back
And sometimes I just feel plain old stupid.

Time is a nasty little bug that has taken control of us all.
Time has taken its sneaky little black hands and has grabbed a hold of all that we hold dear.
Time has taken those things and put them in bondage and the only way we are going to be able to have any contact with them is to obey the laws of time.
And who is time to tell us when to cherish what we have?

Who is really in charge here?
Who is really in control?
I sure as heck hope it's not me because I'm screwing up enough as it is.
Who is really in charge here?

I can't seem to make any sense of anything around me
And I guess that's ok.
Or rather it's going to have to be okay or I'll actually go insane.
And I'm not ready for that quite yet.

I'm not one to say give up.
I'm not one to say it's over.
I'm not one to say it's too late.
And I'm not one to stop loving even in the face of indifference.

So here it goes.
Taking a giant leap of faith into the arms of Christ in the hopes that I will come out renewed again, like every other time I have trusted Him.
Forever, He is mine and I am His.
And that will never change.

Home?

I feel trapped inside this stupid little room in this stupid little house that isn't mine.  I'm stuck inside this bright blue aqua room that could never be mine.  I'm trapped waiting to go back home, realizing that I'm never going back home.  I know they say that home is where the heart is and home is where your family is but right now I don't feel like my family gets me. This new house isn't home...

This is my home:

A once warm, delicious smelling kitchen
slumps silently into a still hibernation.
It's coordinator no longer capable of managing its tasks.

A once joyful room of feasting lets out a
melancholy sigh, and with it all the past
memories, tastes, and laughs that it imbibed
through the years. It's vital organs being
transplanted elsewhere.

A once inviting snuggle lair stretches its
cushioned arms out for one last hug...
but the faces turn away.

A once industrial washroom let's out its
first sign of emotion: a cry to be needed, but
the mountains of fabric will never reach its mouth
again.

A once cramped, but buzzing, station of toiletry
and cosmetics brushes off its layer of
makeup to reveal the concealed memories of pre-event
excitement, in hopes to convince its masters to stay a
while longer.

A once climbing staircase rounds its edges as it
has no need to keep its structure, now that its
ascendants have ascended another just like it.

A once personally, perfect dream cube oozes the
last of its yellow sunshine out of her
pores, reminding her sleeper of the tears, joys, and
poems written within her perimeter...but little
miss sunshine bids her adieu and her
paint melts away, staining the floorboards forever.

A once soapy, steamy rain forest sends all the
birds of its boughs to sing a melody that
is irresistible, yet the bathers resist without
a choice.

A once studious classroom flips through the
pages of her many books, desperate to make
a good, convincing argument, but she comes up
hopeless and succumbs by handing over every
leaf of paper she is made of, surrendering to
the truth of the matter.

A once smelly, odd, "vroom" emitting room
makes a deal with his playmate of
12 years, " I promise I'll clean myself up...
just don't leave", but the boy salutes and
turns away.

A once cozy, safe-haven room watched silently
as her offspring say goodbye to their respective
owners and a tear trickles from her left eave.
She doesn't try to stop them though, she is wiser
than the rest, and knows they will be able to
hold new owners soon enough... just not as
well.

And even the dank cricket crypt moans.
As each piece of furniture is removed, another
ton of memories is piled onto its cement walls.
It has held up the past 15 years worth of life and now,
in the blink of an eye, it has nothing to hold.

And that is the heaviest weight of all.




I wrote that right before we moved ... and it still hits home every time I read it.

The Bowl

What would happen if you wrote down all of your struggles, fears, heartaches, failures, vulnerabilities and weakness on little slips of paper and then put them all in a bowl?  And I don't mean only the BIG issues, I mean even the little things that make you anxious, like getting enough sleep so that you look pretty in school/work the next day so the cute, new guy notices you.  Or worrying about how many times you cracked your back today because you heard that can cause problems down the rode and lead to back pain.

What would happen if you put everything that weighs you down in a bowl and then let a random stranger pull one of those things out arbitrarily?

Pause.  Freak out. Unpause.

And what would happen if that stranger stood up on stage in front of billions of people and read that piece of paper through a loud speaker?

Pause.  Have a spaz attack. Unpause.

And WHAT IF that stranger then asked you to come up on stage and tell everyone why that was weighing you down and what you were going to do about it?

Pause.  Die.  Unpause.

What would you say?  Why IS that fear/struggle/heartache/failure/vulnerability/weakness (man that's a mouthful) weighing you down?

I think it all comes down to trust.

You fear your secret getting out because if it did, you can't trust that anyone would still love you.
You struggle with keeping good habits and breaking bad ones because you are only trusting yourself.
Your heart aches with the loss of friendship because you can't trust that new ones are right around the corner.
Your failures haunt you because you don't trust the future.
You are vulnerable because you trusted too much.
You are weak because you can only trust yourself.

What would happen if, instead of trusting only in ourselves, we trusted in someone who will never let us down.  Someone who will always be a shoulder to cry on and will always keep promises.  Someone whose very existence created the ultimate trust bond. Someone who, without ever looking back, laid his life down for all of humanity so that we could have something and someone to trust.

What would happen if we all trusted Jesus Christ?

You wouldn't fear your secret getting out because you can trust in the unconditional love of Christ.
You wouldn't struggle with making good habits and breaking bad habits because with Christ, anything is possible.
You would be able to let friendships go when the time came without it destroying your world because your world would be Christ.
You would be able to stand tall in the face of your failures and trust that Christ will ALWAYS pick you back up again.
You would be able to throw all of your vulnerabilities on Christ, trusting that He can handle them and turn them into confidence within you.
You would be strong in Christ, and through Christ, and only with Christ because you would have nothing to lose.

But doing that is hard to do.  Actually it's impossible to trust perfectly in Christ, but trying to get closer and closer to complete trust in Christ is what we, as a people, as HIS people, need to be striving for. Only then will we be able to stand up in front of millions and read out from those slips of paper with confidence and humility and utter words of His lips.

I pray that we can throw all of our fears and struggles and heartaches and failures and vulnerabilities and weakness into the bowl and let Christ define us.

That is my prayer.

Leaving the Nest

Tiny baby, fast asleep
Tiny baby, not a peep
Tiny baby, it is true
Tiny baby, I love you

Little darling, sweet and bright
Little darling, full of light
Little darling, running free
Little darling, I love thee

Sweet, young princess, smart and coy
Sweet, young princess, spewing joy
Sweet, young princess, stay in line
Sweet, young princess, you are mine

Daring dreamer, flying far
Daring dreamer, touch the stars
Daring dreamer, don't be scared
Daring dreamer, you've been dared