What I've Learned From Dating Long-Distance

I have only been in 2 serious relationships.  One that spanned from Junior year of high school to Freshman year of college, and one that began Sophomore year of college and is growing as I type this.  My high school relationship taught me a TON.  For 6 months we were both in high school and lived about 20 minutes from each other.  It was great!  It showed me how hard it was to be apart from your dual best friend and boyfriend.  And it showed me how wonderful it was to anticipate his return! It showed me how special it was to hold hands in the snow and it taught me how important the little things are.  It taught me a lot of really great things.

But it wasn't right for me.
Or rather, he wasn't right for me.
And equally, I wasn't right for him.

But he taught me about what I really need in a man through his flaws.  And don't get me wrong, I don't say that to belittle him or to make it seem as though his only role in my life was to teach me what I didn't want.  I have lots of flaws too that I'm sure he learned that he didn't want in a wife when the time came.

I learned that I am sometimes too tolerant; often as a result of just really missing him and wanting to smooth everything over.  I learned that God doesn't deserve just 95% of me, he deserves the full 100%.  I learned that trusting God often means taking a leap, blindfolded, into an abyss of uncertainty.  Sometimes it means that everything else around you is falling apart BUT God.  Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do thus far, but it was also the closest I have ever been to God.  That first week after the break up was the first time I experienced depressed joy.  I was withering on the outside, my skin felt as though it was just flaking off.  But my heart, shattered as it was, was being repaired by nothing less than the pure and all-healing love of Jesus.

Dating long-distance, the first time, taught me about myself and about just how much of a jealous, perfect God I have to worship.

Contentment sought me and I finally let it find me after that.  I struggled with loneliness and the fear that I would never find anyone who had made my heart move like that boy.  But God slowly and gently softened my soul and wrestled my heart until it surrendered wholly to Him.  I felt what it meant to be unconditionally loved and to need nothing but that as my mainstream of sustenance.

And then I met my best friend.

I met Ian just as I was becoming comfortable with my singleness.  I saw him as just a cute army boy in my hated logic class who I would probably never have a decent conversation with.  Little did I know that he would change my whole world, slowly and then all at once.  It began as a single hour of tutoring, which turned into another, which turned into an all day finals study session, including multiple push-up breaks (by him of course).  I began to notice the depth to which his soul reached.  I didn't see it all at once, but I saw something different.  I was being pulled in with every frustrating logic problem that he so eloquently explained to me.  I began to fall for those beautiful, mossy green eyes of his.

We began to build a friendship and I still remember the first time I heard him pray during an InterVarsity large group night.  I'm not sure what it was that captivated me about hearing his solid, unwavering voice speak words of hope and thankfulness to our Creator... but it pierced my heart and the puncture didn't heal, in the most beautiful way possible.  It was the kind of wound that begged my attention into the wee hours of the night and cried out in blissful agony, forcing me to think about him and his beautiful eyes.  He pursued me and did things for me I had only read about in fairy tales. He swept me off my feet without warning and I fell utterly and completely in love with him.

We spent 3 wonderful months exploring our new-found, friendship-entwined, love story and then all at once, our time together was threatened.  My sweet boy had been accepted to the United States Coast Guard Academy, the school of his dreams that could give him the future of his dreams.  I was so happy for him and I had to stay focused on him or else I would fall apart.  When I stopped to observe myself in the midst of his joy, I couldn't help but melt slowing into a pitiful puddle of my own perspiration and tears.  God had just placed this man, this friend, into my life only to take him away?  I couldn't understand it, but I knew I was endlessly happy for Ian.  Here he was, spreading his wings and preparing to join a band of brothers set out to protect and rescue the people of our nation. I have never been so proud.

We struggled those first few weeks after he was accepted.  We had no idea what was going to happen next.  He kept telling me that he wasn't quite sure if he was going to go or not.  I tried to smile as he told me that, but I knew he was going from the moment he told me that he made it in to the Academy.  It was where he was supposed to be, and even I knew that, having only known his handsome heart for a matter of months.  He was so uncertain of our future and he didn't know if it was worth the hurt. I remember standing in the basement of our usual study building, holding his face in my hands and telling him that I didn't know what the future held for us, but that I was willing to find out.  I told him that I was prepared to fight for us because the little that I had been privileged to learn about him proved to me that he was worth the hurt and the distance and the wait.  He was still uncertain and it took about 3 more weeks until he stood in my upstairs hallway saying goodnight to me and I asked him this question: "Are you still unsure about us?".  And he smiled, pulled me closer, and responded with, "No", and kissed my forehead.

I visited him in Houston, Texas, about 2 weeks before he shipped off to the Academy.  Those days spent together were pivotal for our relationship.  He slipped a letter into my hands as we fought back tears in the airport, knowing this was the last time we would see each other before everything changed for him.  I sat on the plane, staring out the window, clenching my fist around that letter, tears silently streaming down my face.  I just kept replaying the last line over and over again in my head: "So let's continue to fight, Emma.  You're so worth it!".  Oh how sweet those words meant to me.  How deeply they wrapped their arms around my heart and assured me that this distance was not stronger than the friendship we had, as cliche as that sounds.  I was ready to take on the distance and the horrifically, limited amount of communication; I was ready to take on the phone calls with weak signals and our reunions being only a weekend long; I was ready to fight for a lifetime with this man.

Dating long-distance this time is teaching me about loving someone else.  It is teaching me that a lasting relationship is built on friendship.  It is teaching me that friendship is built around laughter and tears, dancing and singing, doubts and uncertainties, and just a little bit (okay, sometimes a lot) of romance.

One of the biggest differences between my first experience with dating long-distance is that the first time, I was dating a boy who truly wanted to please me but wasn't quite mature enough to do so.  I was focused on myself and how I could control and fix the relationship.  This time, I am dating a man who truly wants to please our God and wants to bring me along for the ride.  I am learning to focus less and less on myself and more and more on my Savior.

Dating long-distance has taught me that a relationship does not "just happen" when two people are "just meant for each other".  It takes work! It takes sacrifice and it takes compromise.  Serving and loving should be synonyms when it comes to relationships.  I have never desired to serve someone the way I want to serve this man.  And not only that, but he let's me be okay with being served by him and with feeling feminine.

I'm still learning that he is in fact NOT perfect.  He is flawed and he is not where God wants him to be yet.  God is not finished with him yet.  There is still a lot of uncertainty, many days we will spend apart, and many long months of 1 phone call a week.  I'm not sure where Jesus is going to drive us, but I do know that I fervently want to find out.

Do you remember?

Do you remember when we sat on the edge of the gazebo, over the frozen lake, during that beautiful blizzard?  Do you remember how bitterly cold our bones were, yet the heat from our hearts seemed to keep us breathing?

I remember wanting you to pull me close and wrap your strong arms around me.
But you were reserved and playing it cool (and smart).

Do you remember when we snuck onto that golf course late at night and lied beneath the stars, talking about God and how magnificent he is?  Do you remember when the sprinklers came on in the still of the silence and we bolted out laughing like we were shooting a scene from a movie?

I remember feeling like I was going to cry that night because of the letter you gave me, but couldn't even force myself because, in your arms, I was safe and had no reason to.

Do you remember when we ran around in a field of buttercups and stared at the clouds?  Do you remember the silly pictures we took and you asking me to take a selfie among the flowers for your homescreen on your phone?

I remember you telling me I was gorgeous (with no makeup on and sweat on my brow) and my stomach leaping towards my throat.

Do you remember when we went to the tennis courts and I thought it would be a good idea to wear a skirt?  Do you remember when you figured out that I had never been taught how to correctly throw a a ball which is why my aim is always off?  Do you remember when we sat and talked about the differences in our upbringing?

I remember you making me feel feminine and sweet in the midst of teaching me how to wail a ball at your face.  I still don't quite know how to.

Do you remember when we sat in your living room until 6am the night before I had to leave?  The night before everything changed?  Do you remember ugly crying into each other's shoulders and wanting to never ever let go?  Do you remember the kinks in your neck from sitting in such an awkward position for 6 hours?

I remember feeling like I had never felt before.  I remember feeling as if this moment could go on forever and I wouldn't be concerned.  I was safe and I was warm and I was loved.

Do you remember when I tried to pump my own gas for the first time and ended up spraying it all over myself and the car?  Do you remember how embarrassed I was?  Do you remember how funny you thought it was?

I remember you trying to smooth it over and make me feel better by saying "I mean, I like the smell of gasoline!"

Do you remember taking me out to A Taste of Texas for my birthday and feeling so out of place?  Do you remember how fancy it was and how awkward I felt when the waiter poured my bottled iced tea into my glass?  Do you remember us giggling, trying to act like civilized adults and not like 5 year old's like we normally do?

I remember the way you looked at me from across that table the whole night.  Like starlight had found it's way right to the very center of your eyes and sunshine was managing to pour out.  I remember the gift you gave me which I wear around my neck everyday and use as a conversation starter to gush about you every chance I get.

Do you remember when we sat by the river after my flight got delayed another four hours?  Do you remember how you cried into my arms in the car before we knew about the delay?  Do you remember reading all of your quotes that I have saved on my phone?

I remember thinking you were one of the strongest people I know, to have the courage to be vulnerable with me like that... to let your guard down and show me the man that you so clearly are deep down.

Do you remember jumping in my parents car over thanksgiving break to get away from the hoodlums?  Do you remember being bundled and looking like hobos with absolutely no destination except the map on our hearts that lead to each other?

I remember belting "All I Want for Christmas is You" and you smiling but keeping  your eyes on the road. Keeping us safe.

Do you remember when we stayed up until 7am on my living room couch?  Talking, laughing, cuddling, whispering, just being generally disgustingly couply?  Do you remember falling asleep as I supported your head?

I remember experiencing something I had never felt before... it was a comfort that I've only ever felt from my dad before.  It was a comfort of complete safety, complete relaxation.  Curled up in your arms,perfectly snuggled against your chest... If I let my mind quiet down enough I can still hear your heart beat.

Do you remember reading 1 John in the car in a parking lot?  Do you remember spilling ourselves out to each other about our needs and our desires and the right way to go about it all?

I remember seeing you hang your head in defeat and realizing that you felt like you were letting me down.  I also remember at that same time my heart swelling and pressure building behind my eyes as I pulled you close assuring you that you in no way have let me down.  I remember reminding you of all the ways you have shown me love and all the ways you have supported me.

My dear sweet boy, do you remember baking pies until 3 am Thanksgiving eve?  Do you remember the absolute insanity that was going on between the three stooges (aka, my grama, mom and aunt)?  Do you remember finishing the pies and dancing in the hallway to Jon Troast?

I remember you holding me in the kitchen and telling me softly "You know, my parents fell in love in a kitchen".  I remember smiling and wondering what you must have been thinking to remember that...

Do you remember all the little moments we stole away with each other?  All the little moments you brushed your hand on my arm, all the times we made faces at each other in the midst of my family chaos, all the times we laughed without ceasing?

I remember the moments when I realized just how much you simply wanted to be with me, no matter what my condition was.  It was when you ran out to CVS to get me alkaselzter and gingerale and a soft pretzel... WITH my grama.

I've never known someone like you, Ian.
I've read about men like you.
I've seen examples of them in my life, my father particularly.
But I have never had the immense joy of truly knowing a man like you.

I remember what you were wearing, how your eyes sparkled as you stood across from me at that foosball table.  I remember how you looked down for a few seconds, picked your head up, looked at me, and tricked me into going out to dinner with you!  My heart jumped.  Really, I think it moved a few centimeters.

Ian, I have no more words.
I, the girl who always has something to say, have been rendered speechless.
By you.