Do you remember?

Do you remember when we sat on the edge of the gazebo, over the frozen lake, during that beautiful blizzard?  Do you remember how bitterly cold our bones were, yet the heat from our hearts seemed to keep us breathing?

I remember wanting you to pull me close and wrap your strong arms around me.
But you were reserved and playing it cool (and smart).

Do you remember when we snuck onto that golf course late at night and lied beneath the stars, talking about God and how magnificent he is?  Do you remember when the sprinklers came on in the still of the silence and we bolted out laughing like we were shooting a scene from a movie?

I remember feeling like I was going to cry that night because of the letter you gave me, but couldn't even force myself because, in your arms, I was safe and had no reason to.

Do you remember when we ran around in a field of buttercups and stared at the clouds?  Do you remember the silly pictures we took and you asking me to take a selfie among the flowers for your homescreen on your phone?

I remember you telling me I was gorgeous (with no makeup on and sweat on my brow) and my stomach leaping towards my throat.

Do you remember when we went to the tennis courts and I thought it would be a good idea to wear a skirt?  Do you remember when you figured out that I had never been taught how to correctly throw a a ball which is why my aim is always off?  Do you remember when we sat and talked about the differences in our upbringing?

I remember you making me feel feminine and sweet in the midst of teaching me how to wail a ball at your face.  I still don't quite know how to.

Do you remember when we sat in your living room until 6am the night before I had to leave?  The night before everything changed?  Do you remember ugly crying into each other's shoulders and wanting to never ever let go?  Do you remember the kinks in your neck from sitting in such an awkward position for 6 hours?

I remember feeling like I had never felt before.  I remember feeling as if this moment could go on forever and I wouldn't be concerned.  I was safe and I was warm and I was loved.

Do you remember when I tried to pump my own gas for the first time and ended up spraying it all over myself and the car?  Do you remember how embarrassed I was?  Do you remember how funny you thought it was?

I remember you trying to smooth it over and make me feel better by saying "I mean, I like the smell of gasoline!"

Do you remember taking me out to A Taste of Texas for my birthday and feeling so out of place?  Do you remember how fancy it was and how awkward I felt when the waiter poured my bottled iced tea into my glass?  Do you remember us giggling, trying to act like civilized adults and not like 5 year old's like we normally do?

I remember the way you looked at me from across that table the whole night.  Like starlight had found it's way right to the very center of your eyes and sunshine was managing to pour out.  I remember the gift you gave me which I wear around my neck everyday and use as a conversation starter to gush about you every chance I get.

Do you remember when we sat by the river after my flight got delayed another four hours?  Do you remember how you cried into my arms in the car before we knew about the delay?  Do you remember reading all of your quotes that I have saved on my phone?

I remember thinking you were one of the strongest people I know, to have the courage to be vulnerable with me like that... to let your guard down and show me the man that you so clearly are deep down.

Do you remember jumping in my parents car over thanksgiving break to get away from the hoodlums?  Do you remember being bundled and looking like hobos with absolutely no destination except the map on our hearts that lead to each other?

I remember belting "All I Want for Christmas is You" and you smiling but keeping  your eyes on the road. Keeping us safe.

Do you remember when we stayed up until 7am on my living room couch?  Talking, laughing, cuddling, whispering, just being generally disgustingly couply?  Do you remember falling asleep as I supported your head?

I remember experiencing something I had never felt before... it was a comfort that I've only ever felt from my dad before.  It was a comfort of complete safety, complete relaxation.  Curled up in your arms,perfectly snuggled against your chest... If I let my mind quiet down enough I can still hear your heart beat.

Do you remember reading 1 John in the car in a parking lot?  Do you remember spilling ourselves out to each other about our needs and our desires and the right way to go about it all?

I remember seeing you hang your head in defeat and realizing that you felt like you were letting me down.  I also remember at that same time my heart swelling and pressure building behind my eyes as I pulled you close assuring you that you in no way have let me down.  I remember reminding you of all the ways you have shown me love and all the ways you have supported me.

My dear sweet boy, do you remember baking pies until 3 am Thanksgiving eve?  Do you remember the absolute insanity that was going on between the three stooges (aka, my grama, mom and aunt)?  Do you remember finishing the pies and dancing in the hallway to Jon Troast?

I remember you holding me in the kitchen and telling me softly "You know, my parents fell in love in a kitchen".  I remember smiling and wondering what you must have been thinking to remember that...

Do you remember all the little moments we stole away with each other?  All the little moments you brushed your hand on my arm, all the times we made faces at each other in the midst of my family chaos, all the times we laughed without ceasing?

I remember the moments when I realized just how much you simply wanted to be with me, no matter what my condition was.  It was when you ran out to CVS to get me alkaselzter and gingerale and a soft pretzel... WITH my grama.

I've never known someone like you, Ian.
I've read about men like you.
I've seen examples of them in my life, my father particularly.
But I have never had the immense joy of truly knowing a man like you.

I remember what you were wearing, how your eyes sparkled as you stood across from me at that foosball table.  I remember how you looked down for a few seconds, picked your head up, looked at me, and tricked me into going out to dinner with you!  My heart jumped.  Really, I think it moved a few centimeters.

Ian, I have no more words.
I, the girl who always has something to say, have been rendered speechless.
By you.