Spoken Poetry- Worth It

"Shutup!"
"You Can't do this"
"You're going to fail"

My mind is in a state of perpetual disruption and wavering permanency.
There's no right or wrong, just life and songs thrown together to form the weird state of being that I am.

I am a chasm, a mountain, a sea, a valley... I am...nothing.

In light of the beauty surrounding, I am nothing
In light of the light from which we garner our light, I am nothing
I'm swishing sideways and under, over and around, never to be found, searching and wandering, upwards and down, my mind is like a tornado, spinning everything I know into nothingness, smashing everyone I know together to form something unrecognizable... and terrifying.

Wishing I could see what it is I am meant to be, but wishing is useless unless I have an infinity of pennies to throw into the well.  But I don't and so the open wound that I am ripping open becomes more circular, with no beginning or no end, forming the OH that is placed in my well, drawing the pitiful, yet indifferent, cry out of me, silently screaming, "OH WELL".

When is it that we know we have made it?  When does it become apparent that we have finally succeeded?  Is it when we finally hold that scroll of paper high and wear a square piece of satin covered cardboard on our head?  Is it when we are scrolling through baby names to figure out which name is going to fit our impossibly condensed ball of brilliancy that will be placed into a soft, cotton covered cubicle?  Is it when we are sitting in our cubicle, filing away square piece of processed bark after square piece of processed bark that we finally realize we are living our American dream?

When do we know that we are worth it?

Honestly, what do you want me to tell you?

That we are all winners?  That we are all going to succeed in the the ways our culture tells us we have to succeed?  That everything is going to work out?

Because I really can't tell you that, I wish I could.

But we aren't all winners, some of us haven't won yet and it feels like God is playing a game with our lives and we happen to be the unlucky spin or the unfortunate roll of the dice.

We aren't all going to succeed in the ways our culture tells us we have to succeed and quite frankly, I'm glad.  Because there is so much more worth living for than fast cars and fancy houses, so much more than fornicating with floozies and capitulating to the chaos of cash, there's so much more to living!  So much more to succeed at, like pursuing the kingdom of Christ... like loving someone even when they don't really know how to love you back, like realizing that you really aren't worth it on your own, but with Christ you are worth more than the entire universe.

Just let that sink in for a second.

With that in mind it's easy to understand that, no, not everything is going to work out as you would like it to and yes, sometimes it's going to feel like you just cannot win no matter how hard to try.  I can't tell you that your life is going to be a myriad of rainbows, glitter, sweet flowers, and unicorns.

But what I can tell you is that there is no specific time when you "become" worth it.

You are worth it right now.  You are worth dying for.  In fact, someone did die for you and not only that, but he paid the price for all the crap you've ever done and all the crap you ever will do.

You are so worth it, that the only perfect man died for you so that you could live this life on Earth with love, joy, mercy, grace, and above all, forgiveness.

So, when do you become "worth it"?

Right now.

Dusty Wooden Heart

I have convinced myself that I have to have everything together before I can be an example of Christ and His love.  I've let myself believe that unless I have all the big things under control, the little things are permissible and not really a big deal anyway.

Well now I feel as though I am failing the big things too, and all I want to do is hide away and let myself whither away.

A wash of pure grace has cascaded over me like a white curtain, brushing away the dust on the floor of my wooden heart.

And I know that it's going to be alright.

Content and Ready

I feel alone but that's not really a bad thing anymore.

I feel on my own.

Crap.  I'm actually an adult.

When did this happen?

I have thoughts and ideas and opinions and emotions completely independent of my parents and friends and I'm okay with that.  I'm feeling different and strange and excited.  Sort of like a baby chick that has just hatched.  Wobbly, wet, a little scared, but mostly excited and filled with wide-eyed wonder at the world around her.

I am my own person.

I have my own, wonderful, sweet, beautiful relationship with the CREATOR of the UNIVERSE... the Creator of me.

I have so much to live for, so much to be thankful for, so much light inside to let burst forth and put Jesus in the spotlight!

In the wise, thought-provoking words of Sara Groves ,"I'm strangely ready for what comes next".  I'm a bit apprehensive, but at the same time fully ready to dive off the Cliffs of Insanity head first, ready for Christ to catch me and blow me onto whichever path he wants for me.

The deep blue of the sky today left me breathless, sitting on the stone benches by the silver, green lake.  The ripples fluttered by, the ducks waddled by my feet into them, and bicycle wheels whizzed behind me.

And I was content...
Just the perfect state of being for God to whirl right in and throw in a beautiful curve ball, drawing me ever closer to him.