Closer

I can't expect things to change right away.

I can't expect things to be completely normal.

But I can hold on.

I can hold on to faith and trust and understand that I might get hurt.

I can hold on to my knowledge and not just my emotions.  I can hold onto how much I have learned and how much I have grown and how much progress I have seen.  Just tonight he made that extra effort to apologize to my face for not paying attention.  He didn't forget about it or put it out of his mind.  The way he looked at me.... the way he ran his fingers through my hair the way he knows makes me melt and then kissed me.  The way he took charge.  The way he smiles at me and makes those sweet little laughs to himself and always brushes them off when I ask him why, but just grins at me and pulls me closer.  The way I now he is trying and I can see him trying. The way he gives me goosebumps and the way he makes me completely content when we are lying on the couch together watching a movie. The way he is showing me that he loves me.

I need to remember that this doesn't have to mean forever.  I need to remember that this is not the end of the world and its not the start of a new one.  I need to remember the joy he has given me and realize that it's okay for things to change.  It's okay for us to struggle.  And it's okay to make mistakes that won't harm us in the long run.

That man is loved so much.

New Skin

I feel like I'm starting to grow into my skin.  Which is a really scary feeling.

I have never been forced to be as independent as I am right now.
I have never been forced to put effort into my relationship with Christ without some kind of support system.
It's strange, and as much as I hate it, I know that I will appreciate it.
Because I know that God will not leave me out to dry.  I know he is watching, seeing how I am going to deal with all of the things he has put on my plate, knowing that the only way I am going to come out alive is if I give them all back to him and ask for help.

Now if only I could actually listen to my own words.

The biggest struggle of my life has constantly been connecting my knowledge to my feelings, and my feelings to my actions.  I'm confined by my senses to really know what God is like and what He is doing.

Lately, I've just been really, really afraid.

Of what, I'm not quite sure, but I have a few ideas.

This is where growing into my new skin comes into play.

I'm scared because things that I have loved and people that I have been undoubtedly affected by, inspired by, and blessed by are starting to seem a thing of the past and that's completely terrifying.  No one likes change, but it's rare that you are able to see the change happening in front of you and you can differentiate what is the old and what is the new about you.

It's like taking a blindfold off and realizing that you are at a cross road and you have no idea how you got there and there is no road leading back to the place you used to be, the place your heart longs to be, in familiar territory.  And you have to make a decision as to which road to take, else you will just decay, staring at the cross roads, in eternal, nail-biting angst over which one to take.  What kind of life is that?

It's MY life right now.  The life that God has given me right now.

And I will choose to be joyful, right now, and always.