New Skin

I feel like I'm starting to grow into my skin.  Which is a really scary feeling.

I have never been forced to be as independent as I am right now.
I have never been forced to put effort into my relationship with Christ without some kind of support system.
It's strange, and as much as I hate it, I know that I will appreciate it.
Because I know that God will not leave me out to dry.  I know he is watching, seeing how I am going to deal with all of the things he has put on my plate, knowing that the only way I am going to come out alive is if I give them all back to him and ask for help.

Now if only I could actually listen to my own words.

The biggest struggle of my life has constantly been connecting my knowledge to my feelings, and my feelings to my actions.  I'm confined by my senses to really know what God is like and what He is doing.

Lately, I've just been really, really afraid.

Of what, I'm not quite sure, but I have a few ideas.

This is where growing into my new skin comes into play.

I'm scared because things that I have loved and people that I have been undoubtedly affected by, inspired by, and blessed by are starting to seem a thing of the past and that's completely terrifying.  No one likes change, but it's rare that you are able to see the change happening in front of you and you can differentiate what is the old and what is the new about you.

It's like taking a blindfold off and realizing that you are at a cross road and you have no idea how you got there and there is no road leading back to the place you used to be, the place your heart longs to be, in familiar territory.  And you have to make a decision as to which road to take, else you will just decay, staring at the cross roads, in eternal, nail-biting angst over which one to take.  What kind of life is that?

It's MY life right now.  The life that God has given me right now.

And I will choose to be joyful, right now, and always.