I wrote this back in November, but never had the guts to publish it. Looking back now, I can see how much I learned from struggling through all of this and I think it's interesting to see how that struggle manifested itself through my words...
I have this sick feeling in my stomach. I can't tell if it's all the chocolate that I just ate or something more.
This long-distance thing is so unbelievably hard. It's messing with my head. I don't know if things are really changing between us or if it's just the distance speaking. I don't know if God is trying to tell me something or if I'm just over-thinking. I don't know what God is doing. And I guess that's normal. That's completely normal actually.
What kills me is that sometimes I just don't feel it anymore. I don't feel in love anymore. And I know the difference between being in love and loving someone and that I won't always be in love. But what I don't know is if this moment of me being out of love is a moment that is going to define our relationship or if it's just another bump in the road.
If it's a moment that is going to change things for him and I forever than aren't I being dishonest by not telling him? Or am I just being a little over the top? And I have nothing to be upset with him over. He has done everything I have asked him to do and still I feel empty.
But I think today I've figured out why. I have been completely getting my pie from him and not from Him. I have been defining myself through his eyes, something that I said I would never do. I have been putting God second and putting him first, something I also said I would never do. College and being a D1 athlete and trying to keep up a relationship all the while trying to focus on God and make Him the center of attention is something that I am just discovering is absolutely overwhelming. So does something need to go? Or do I just wait.
Do I just wait?
Wait for what, though?
Wait until something terrible happens that could have been completely avoided but hurt the one I love so very much? Or wait until my emotions blow over and I realize how foolish I was being and what I have in him? Do I wait to find out what happens, good or bad, or do I take it into my own hands to protect myself and the man I love?
Is it terrible to think of taking a break? It literally makes me want to throw up and not face it. But would it provide any source of relief? And if it did.... what does that mean? Does that mean that God is trying to tell me that this phase of my life has passed?
I'm already being faced with so much change.... would this devastation really provide relief? That doesn't even make sense.
I'm trying to immerse myself in God. I know that I need Him now more than ever, which is such a cliche' in itself, seeing as I need Him ALWAYS. I need to feel HIS love and HIS power and just be constantly reminded of it. Am I being held back? Am I being kept from that? This is something I have never ever questioned before while in this relationship. Something that I was always sure was growing stronger because of the relationship.
I am faced to see him as he truly is. In his complete and true form. Flaws and all. And I am being forced to question if he is meant for me; If he is bringing me closer to God; If he is creating a loving, caring relationship for me to be in. And it scares the crap out of me.
He's doing everything I have asked him and I still feel empty and dissatisfied. Has the spark just...sputtered out? Can that really happen? Can something so dull and blase' actually be the ruin of a relationship in which I learned so much? At least let it be something big and meaningful. To love someone and then to let the feelings just go away and fizzle out and that be the end of it? How heart-wrenching is that? How positively wounding to be on the receiving end of that explanation. If that IS the case, love would push me to keep loving him because I think he is worth it. And I DO want to keep loving him, desperately. But it that right?
I don't know if I want advice. I don't think I do. But all I know is that when I finish this post, and I am forced to go back to doing what I have been doing for the past 2 months with college and field hockey and my relationship and my faith, things are going to be strange. Things are going to be different. Things are going to have to change and that's all up to God. As terrifying as it is... my life is His, and His alone, no matter how many times I have to be reminded of that, no matter how many terrible things I have to go through. I am His and He is mine and that is something that will NEVER change.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Until Then...
I love you.
I really do.
And it's amazing the power that love can have on a person so willing to let love in. I have learned what it means to love. I'm not done learning, not even close, but my eyes have been opened to the wonderful experience and choice of loving another person, just the way they are.
The phrase "I love you" is often misinterpreted and misused. I'm pretty sure the reason behind this misuse is the idea that people don't really understand what love is and what it means to actually love someone.
For some reference, here are some other ways to say "I love you"
-I am willing and CHOOSING to see your flaws and accept them.
-I know you are not perfect and that is okay
-I am making a conscious effort to put your happiness before my own.
-I will lay down my life for you if that was necessary.
These are just a few ways in which we can tell someone that we ACTUALLY love them. Obviously certain people express and feel love in their own way, via the 6 love languages, but the concept is pretty much the same: love is choosing to put someone else's happiness before your own, despite their evident flaws and sinful nature.
I have been able to learn what that feels like, and let me tell you, it ain't easy.
Loving someone just the way they are is HARD work. It takes commitment, trust, and the ability to see past the flaws and see the good and the godly in that person.
I cannot wait to be loved that way and to spend the rest of my life with the man who does. But until then, and through that time, I will continue to find my Savior in every leaf I crunch beneath my feet, in every grain of sand underneath my fingernails, and in every sweet birdsong floating through the sky.
I really do.
And it's amazing the power that love can have on a person so willing to let love in. I have learned what it means to love. I'm not done learning, not even close, but my eyes have been opened to the wonderful experience and choice of loving another person, just the way they are.
The phrase "I love you" is often misinterpreted and misused. I'm pretty sure the reason behind this misuse is the idea that people don't really understand what love is and what it means to actually love someone.
For some reference, here are some other ways to say "I love you"
-I am willing and CHOOSING to see your flaws and accept them.
-I know you are not perfect and that is okay
-I am making a conscious effort to put your happiness before my own.
-I will lay down my life for you if that was necessary.
These are just a few ways in which we can tell someone that we ACTUALLY love them. Obviously certain people express and feel love in their own way, via the 6 love languages, but the concept is pretty much the same: love is choosing to put someone else's happiness before your own, despite their evident flaws and sinful nature.
I have been able to learn what that feels like, and let me tell you, it ain't easy.
Loving someone just the way they are is HARD work. It takes commitment, trust, and the ability to see past the flaws and see the good and the godly in that person.
I cannot wait to be loved that way and to spend the rest of my life with the man who does. But until then, and through that time, I will continue to find my Savior in every leaf I crunch beneath my feet, in every grain of sand underneath my fingernails, and in every sweet birdsong floating through the sky.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
To Mothers Everywhere
She felt your first kicks and punches and knew you were going to be a stubborn one.
She felt your hiccups sync with hers and knew that you were going to be like her whether you liked it or not.
She felt you stretch and shove all of her organs out of the way and knew you were going push your way into her life in a few short weeks.
She heard you cry for the first time and knew that no other baby had that same unique voice.
She felt your fuzzy little head and knew that she would always kiss it, no matter how old you got or how much you protested.
She held you close for the first time and knew that you were hers.
She watched as you stumbled over pebbles and was there to catch you.
She watched as you stumbled over trials and she let you fall but was always there to pick you back up again.
She watched you score your first goal and knew that it was only the first of many goals to be achieved.
She listened to your worries and knew that you were growing through it all.
She answered your hurried phone calls from school begging her to bring you your shin guards for practice... and brought them.
She taught you that respect is earned, not expected or deserved.
She taught you what it looked like to love your spouse.
She showed you what it looked like to forgive and to accept forgiveness when having made a mistake.
She showed you what it meant to be humble and to be a servant.
She showed you how to love even when you are not loved back.
She gave you hope for the future, peace for the past, and joy for the present.
She is your mother and she is beautiful.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Having fun writing songs :)
Like a tidal wave you've got me crashing into you
Like a summer day you've got me shining bright and true
Like the moon up high you've got me lighting up the sky
Like the stars in the night you've got me sparkling like a million fireflies
Cause baby, I love you
And I'm never falling through
All the cracks in this world that drag us down
Cause baby, I love you
When I'm feeling low you lift me up so high
When I'm crying rivers you make my tears run dry
When I'm stuck and can't get up you take my hand
When I fall to the ground you help me stand
That's why baby, I love you
And I'm never falling through
All the cracks in this world that drag us down
Cause baby, I love you.
There's something about the way you move
that makes me wanna stop the world for you
There's something about every word you say
that makes me want to walk your way
There's something, there's something, there's something baby that's why...
That's why baby, I love you
And I'm never falling through
All the cracks in this world that drag us down
Cause baby, I love you.
Like a summer day you've got me shining bright and true
Like the moon up high you've got me lighting up the sky
Like the stars in the night you've got me sparkling like a million fireflies
Cause baby, I love you
And I'm never falling through
All the cracks in this world that drag us down
Cause baby, I love you
When I'm feeling low you lift me up so high
When I'm crying rivers you make my tears run dry
When I'm stuck and can't get up you take my hand
When I fall to the ground you help me stand
That's why baby, I love you
And I'm never falling through
All the cracks in this world that drag us down
Cause baby, I love you.
There's something about the way you move
that makes me wanna stop the world for you
There's something about every word you say
that makes me want to walk your way
There's something, there's something, there's something baby that's why...
That's why baby, I love you
And I'm never falling through
All the cracks in this world that drag us down
Cause baby, I love you.
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall... Reflect the Greatest of Them All
There was a strange rush when he left the room
and I'm not quite sure it was just the draft that he was pulling through the door with him.
There was a strange sense of revival as we sat talking until 3:30 am
and I'm not quite sure it was the energy drink I foolishly decided to gulp down.
There was a strange pulsing of blood rippling through my veins
and I'm not quite sure it was just my lack of sleep grabbing my attention.
What a strange, strange feeling it all seems to be...
this sudden grip of tantalizing tension,
this sudden grasp of vines around my stomach,
this sudden hold on my heart, as if it might start beating fervently again.
I don't quite know if it's all normal and right, what seems to be happening.
It's a phenomenon I have not experienced in over 2 years and I feel quite guilty being in the mix again,
although I know it's only a matter of time before my world catches up to its natural rotational speed.
It's small and it's meaningless but it truly is the little things that can make all the difference in the world, in my world at least.
I cannot try to make predictions of the future, that will only bring me worry and angst.
I can only try to live here, live now... but live here purely and live now righteously.
I can only hope that through this sprouting friendship, the Lord's glory and radiance will shine through me, simply a mirror reflecting his love, not my own, conditional love.
What comes next, I do not know, as I often don't, but what I can know is that as long as my Lord and Savior is the one being reflected from my feeble mirror, only good will prevail.
and I'm not quite sure it was just the draft that he was pulling through the door with him.
There was a strange sense of revival as we sat talking until 3:30 am
and I'm not quite sure it was the energy drink I foolishly decided to gulp down.
There was a strange pulsing of blood rippling through my veins
and I'm not quite sure it was just my lack of sleep grabbing my attention.
What a strange, strange feeling it all seems to be...
this sudden grip of tantalizing tension,
this sudden grasp of vines around my stomach,
this sudden hold on my heart, as if it might start beating fervently again.
I don't quite know if it's all normal and right, what seems to be happening.
It's a phenomenon I have not experienced in over 2 years and I feel quite guilty being in the mix again,
although I know it's only a matter of time before my world catches up to its natural rotational speed.
It's small and it's meaningless but it truly is the little things that can make all the difference in the world, in my world at least.
I cannot try to make predictions of the future, that will only bring me worry and angst.
I can only try to live here, live now... but live here purely and live now righteously.
I can only hope that through this sprouting friendship, the Lord's glory and radiance will shine through me, simply a mirror reflecting his love, not my own, conditional love.
What comes next, I do not know, as I often don't, but what I can know is that as long as my Lord and Savior is the one being reflected from my feeble mirror, only good will prevail.
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