I wrote this back in November, but never had the guts to publish it. Looking back now, I can see how much I learned from struggling through all of this and I think it's interesting to see how that struggle manifested itself through my words...
I have this sick feeling in my stomach. I can't tell if it's all the chocolate that I just ate or something more.
This long-distance thing is so unbelievably hard. It's messing with my head. I don't know if things are really changing between us or if it's just the distance speaking. I don't know if God is trying to tell me something or if I'm just over-thinking. I don't know what God is doing. And I guess that's normal. That's completely normal actually.
What kills me is that sometimes I just don't feel it anymore. I don't feel in love anymore. And I know the difference between being in love and loving someone and that I won't always be in love. But what I don't know is if this moment of me being out of love is a moment that is going to define our relationship or if it's just another bump in the road.
If it's a moment that is going to change things for him and I forever than aren't I being dishonest by not telling him? Or am I just being a little over the top? And I have nothing to be upset with him over. He has done everything I have asked him to do and still I feel empty.
But I think today I've figured out why. I have been completely getting my pie from him and not from Him. I have been defining myself through his eyes, something that I said I would never do. I have been putting God second and putting him first, something I also said I would never do. College and being a D1 athlete and trying to keep up a relationship all the while trying to focus on God and make Him the center of attention is something that I am just discovering is absolutely overwhelming. So does something need to go? Or do I just wait.
Do I just wait?
Wait for what, though?
Wait until something terrible happens that could have been completely avoided but hurt the one I love so very much? Or wait until my emotions blow over and I realize how foolish I was being and what I have in him? Do I wait to find out what happens, good or bad, or do I take it into my own hands to protect myself and the man I love?
Is it terrible to think of taking a break? It literally makes me want to throw up and not face it. But would it provide any source of relief? And if it did.... what does that mean? Does that mean that God is trying to tell me that this phase of my life has passed?
I'm already being faced with so much change.... would this devastation really provide relief? That doesn't even make sense.
I'm trying to immerse myself in God. I know that I need Him now more than ever, which is such a cliche' in itself, seeing as I need Him ALWAYS. I need to feel HIS love and HIS power and just be constantly reminded of it. Am I being held back? Am I being kept from that? This is something I have never ever questioned before while in this relationship. Something that I was always sure was growing stronger because of the relationship.
I am faced to see him as he truly is. In his complete and true form. Flaws and all. And I am being forced to question if he is meant for me; If he is bringing me closer to God; If he is creating a loving, caring relationship for me to be in. And it scares the crap out of me.
He's doing everything I have asked him and I still feel empty and dissatisfied. Has the spark just...sputtered out? Can that really happen? Can something so dull and blase' actually be the ruin of a relationship in which I learned so much? At least let it be something big and meaningful. To love someone and then to let the feelings just go away and fizzle out and that be the end of it? How heart-wrenching is that? How positively wounding to be on the receiving end of that explanation. If that IS the case, love would push me to keep loving him because I think he is worth it. And I DO want to keep loving him, desperately. But it that right?
I don't know if I want advice. I don't think I do. But all I know is that when I finish this post, and I am forced to go back to doing what I have been doing for the past 2 months with college and field hockey and my relationship and my faith, things are going to be strange. Things are going to be different. Things are going to have to change and that's all up to God. As terrifying as it is... my life is His, and His alone, no matter how many times I have to be reminded of that, no matter how many terrible things I have to go through. I am His and He is mine and that is something that will NEVER change.
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