There's a new kind of ache that has formed behind the cage of bones within me.
It's a new stage of grief I suppose.
I assume this happens to everyone and that this is just another phase of loss.
I guess this is just like every other heartbreak that anyone else has gone through.
I'm sure I'm not feeling anything anyone else hasn't felt.
And if that was all I was dealing with it wouldn't be so unexpected and difficult.
But it's not all I'm dealing with.
It's the realization that the pain from inside me is from the love I have for him,
It's the bruised ribs that are starting to catch my attention... it's the realization that maybe he doesn't feel the heartache anymore... that maybe he has moved on to better things.
And as much as I tell myself and other people and him especially that I want nothing more than for him to be happy, and as much as that's completely true, the selfish person inside me just wants him back.
As much as I tell myself that it's all okay, I know it isn't right now.
As much as I know it will be, I don't feel like it will be.
It's the knowledge that right now, no matter how many times he doesn't answer, no matter how many times he doesn't want to hear it, no matter how much he tries to cut me off, I won't stop wanting him.
And maybe that isn't normal. But I'm not normal, so that would make sense.
I've learned what it means to love someone, even if they don't understand that love and even if they aren't ready to love back the same way.
What comes next... well I have no idea to be honest. And I don't have any fancy words to make it all sound romantically tragic, either.
It's not about how many times he told me he loved me.
It's not about how many kisses we shared.
It's not about what he didn't do for me or what he tried to do for me.
It's about the fact that I would do anything to make him happy.
It's about how much I want to make him smile and how much I want to see that look in his face, like his eyes were suddenly opened as I stood before him.
I never knew it could hurt this badly. I never thought it would physically ache.
I guess I'm refusing to accept that this is just like any other heartbreak, because if I do, then it's almost like what we had wasn't special or personal. It's like the intimacy of everything we were is generalized and placed into a statistical category along with every other relationship. And I refuse to believe that this was just like every other relationship.
I refuse to believe that anyone else felt exactly what we felt.
I refuse to believe that anyone could know him like I do.
I refuse to believe that sooner or later we will both move on and this will all just be a memory... a 2 year long memory... in the past.
I can't let it be a memory...
Because if it becomes a memory that means it's dead.
And if I let it die...
Well if I let it die I'll move on and be completely sustained by God.
And for some terribly selfish reason that just seems like a side note.
But it's the entire book, not just a side note.
It's time I attempt to file away 2 years of my life into the memory cabinet.
It's time I face the fact that it's over.
It's time to move on.
I just hope I don't drown in the process.
