Leaping into His arms...again

I find myself wanting to change the way I feel
I find myself wanting to change my outlook, my perspective
I find myself wanting to get out of this stupid little pity hole
But it's so difficult.

I find myself writing my emotions down over and over again
I find myself blindly spelling words hoping that they can get my point across
I find myself searching for my point
But it's so difficult.

I'm faced with death and sorrow
I'm faced with love and joy
I'm faced with happiness
But it's so difficult.

But it shouldn't be so difficult.
It shouldn't be so difficult to be happy for the things I have.
It shouldn't be so difficult to appreciate life.
But it's so difficult.

So soon we can be turned into dust
Turned into nothingness that will be forgotten in a few years time
And how in the world do we continue to complain about the little things that get us down?
How in the world do we continue to harp on the stupid frivolities that don't even matter in the long run?
It's just so difficult.

I've dealt with death.
I've dealt with the death of two brothers.
I've dealt with the death of cousins.
I've dealt with the death of family members of people close to me.
And I'm teetering on the edge of the death of my childhood.

It sounds so cliche to be putting this all into words.
It sounds so unreal to know that my childhood is over.
I don't want to leave, yet I don't want to stay.
It's uncomfortable and it's sad but it's inevitable.

We hold on to the people who bring us happiness like it's our job.
We hold on to the memories that we think will provide joy in the future.
We hold on so tightly to things that can so easily be wiped away with our very lives and where does it get us?
Things become difficult, then.

Sometimes I feel like I'm staring out from within this body I have
Sometimes I feel like I really don't belong here.
Sometimes I feel like I'm destined for something greater but I am holding myself back
And sometimes I just feel plain old stupid.

Time is a nasty little bug that has taken control of us all.
Time has taken its sneaky little black hands and has grabbed a hold of all that we hold dear.
Time has taken those things and put them in bondage and the only way we are going to be able to have any contact with them is to obey the laws of time.
And who is time to tell us when to cherish what we have?

Who is really in charge here?
Who is really in control?
I sure as heck hope it's not me because I'm screwing up enough as it is.
Who is really in charge here?

I can't seem to make any sense of anything around me
And I guess that's ok.
Or rather it's going to have to be okay or I'll actually go insane.
And I'm not ready for that quite yet.

I'm not one to say give up.
I'm not one to say it's over.
I'm not one to say it's too late.
And I'm not one to stop loving even in the face of indifference.

So here it goes.
Taking a giant leap of faith into the arms of Christ in the hopes that I will come out renewed again, like every other time I have trusted Him.
Forever, He is mine and I am His.
And that will never change.