It seems so cliche to write about how great my mom is on Mother's Day. Every child thinks that their mom is the best mom, if they have been lucky enough to have a good relationship with their mother as I know many children unfortunately are not so. Don't get me wrong, my mom is great, she truly is. But on this Mother's day, I want to tell you how I have watched her struggle and grow and mature even more in Christ.
Last Mother's Day we were 2 months moved in to our new house at the Church and from our old house I uprooted an old lilac plant that had been transferred to three different houses by this time. My mom had had these lilacs at every home she had lived in and I knew this home could be no different. The lilacs were weak and fragile and I was very anxious they would not take to the new soil, especially since they had been uprooted multiple times before. We did everything we could to plant them deep in rich soil and support them with stakes so they would be able to grow strong and full with time and nourishment. Little did I know that this little lilac shoot would become a symbol for my Mother's growth throughout the year.
June rolled around which brought my High School Graduation and my 18th birthday...all in the same week. Honestly, I don't know how my mom kept it together as well as she did! With the help of my Grandma and my Dad, she planned a magnificent graduation/birthday party for me with all my friends and family and pie galore (if you know me you know I'll take pie over cake any day)! The whole day was perfect and none of it would have been possible without her slaving over the correct number of mint leaves to put in the centerpieces or staying up for hours on end baking pies and cookies. Thank you for that, Mom.
As the Summer progressed, August 11 drew nearer and nearer and with every passing day I could see the sadness my mom was trying to hold back. August 11. The day I move in to college. While I was busy squeezing every last drop out of my last summer before college, my mom was busy trying desperately to spend as much time with me as possible. As you can imagine, this lead to a few misunderstandings and harsh words. I specifically remember one night when I was being particularly ungrateful and sassy and I mentioned how much I could not wait to leave this annoying house and just get away. Those words hurt my mom more than I knew and I didn't realize it until she came to me with tears in her eyes and explained how much she was struggling with letting me go and how much it hurt her to hear that I seemingly didn't care at the time. I'll never forget how absolutely terrible I felt in that moment. I wanted to just melt into the wall and pretend it never happened. For that, I am sorry, Mom.
Not only did she forgive me, but she showed me mercy. At a time when I should have had to pay the consequences for the words I carelessly spoke, all my mom wanted was an apology and a hug (well the hug was more so for me). I was just at a Mother-Daughter Brunch at my Church and the speaker talked about showing your children mercy. It really hit me how merciful my mom (and my dad) have been to me. For that, I thank you, Mom.
When the dreaded day finally rolled around, we were all so wrapped up in the excitement and anxiety of it all that none of us really had time to acknowledge that fact that I wouldn't be home for three whole months and that after my parents left, our relationship would never really be the same. And we all knew that was a good thing. I had already left the nest and know it was time to spread my wings and jump off of the branch. We finally got down to unpacking the last suitcase, putting the last pillow on my bed, and putting the last shoe in my shoe rack and it was time to part ways. There were very minimal tears... at that moment. My mom was strong, yet honest with her words in telling me how much she was going to miss me. It wasn't until later that I found out she cried all the way home. And that isn't a shameful thing at all, that showed me how much she loves me and how much it didn't matter the number of times we fought, she was going to miss her baby girl. For your ability to stay strong when I needed you to be, I thank you, Mom.
The next three months were incredibly long in some areas and freakishly fast in others. I was learning how to juggle being a D1 athlete and a student at a rigorous university and my mom was dealing with my brother going back to public school after having been home-schooled for 3 years. From my end, things back at home seemed to be going fairly well. I knew that my brother was struggling a little bit with school and getting used to me being gone and yadda, yadda, yadda. But for the most part I was under the impression that everyone was doing well. What I didn't know was that my brother was struggling much more than I knew and that my mom was having to take the brunt of his backlash. I never learned how bad it was (and it sounds more terrible than it was, especially considering how much better he is doing now) until I got home in November and it couldn't really be hidden anymore. That whole time my mom knew that I needed to be able to focus on school and hockey and she kept all of that to a minimum. Of course I would have liked to have known everything that was going on, but that might not have been the best for me at the time, with all the other stress I was already dealing with. And my mom knew that. For that sacrifice, I thank you, Mom.
I went back to school after Thanksgiving for finals and when I came back for Winter break, all hell broke loose. I came back a day early to surprise my family only to be there when my mom got a call from the doctor telling her that she has degenerative disk disease in most of her spine. My grandma and I were the only ones home with my mom at the time and as my mom sat at the table and cried out of fear of the unknown, we simply sat and cried with her. As I watched my mom try to wrap her head around the idea of her life, all of our lives, having to completely change because of this disease, I couldn't help but feel her pain, her fear, her guilt (even though it wasn't her fault in the slightest.) She was terrified that this disease was going to make her a burden on her family. In the face of this life-changing disease she was scared that she would be a burden to us. One does not truly understand a mother's sacrifice until they experience their own well-being and comfort being put before their mothers when she has every right to focus on getting herself better. I can't tell you how much that impacted me, Mom. Your vulnerability and weakness in that moment proved to be a light and a strength for me in future events I was not prepared for.
During that same winter break, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. It was undoubtedly the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was something only God knew that reason for but something I knew I had to do. God had to lay what felt like a million bricks on my chest to finally get me to stop ignoring his gentle voice in my mind telling me that this was right and that I didn't need a reason other than "Because I said so". And I mean, it's one thing when your parents give you that answer, but when the Lord Almighty kindly whispers that to you after multiple times of you ignoring him, it's a whole different story! I have never been so depressed and heartbroken in all my 18 years and my mom was right there beside me the entire time. She had gently encouraged me to do what I knew God was telling me to do and she was there to let me cry in silence with her on the couch after it all happened. She consoled me with stories of being in the same situation and encourage me by telling me that God always has a plan and that they are always better than we can imagine. She gave me my space even when I'm sure she wanted to know how I was doing, and she let me talk when I needed to talk. Most of all, she told me how proud of me she was for having stepped out in complete blind faith and trusting God with everything I had when it felt so wrong. I know now why I had to go through with it all, but at the time I didn't, and my mom was there to ensure me that even if I never found out, that I would be alright. I cannot express to you how much it meant to have another woman there beside me as I had to rip someone I loved out of their spot which I thought for a time was going to be permanent. Thank you so much, Mom.
I went back to school after that break with a very broken heart and an exhausted mind, not to mention perpetual eye puffiness. I took a deep breath and tried to move on with my life. My mom on the other hand, had to begin to completely rearrange hers and it killed me that I couldn't be there with her as she went through all the many changes she was to face. I was left in awe at her strength in dealing with the multiple doctors appointments and MRIs and biopsies and, unfortunately, spinal taps (yes, plural). And I know she hates when people put her on a pedestal and I'm not trying to do that. I know how scared she was and I know how much she just wanted all the testing to be over. I know how much she questioned why God put this in her life. But I also know how strong her faith grew as she went through this time of ambiguity. To this day, as she can never fully say how each day is going to fare, she is still a light and an example of strength and faith. Thank you for that, Mom.
Shortly before my mom was diagnosed, she landed herself a job working in a small decorating shop. It wasn't a high paying job or a huge career break, but to my mom and to our family, it was a massive, encouraging step! This job is not only flexible with my mom, but she enjoys it! She thrives while working there, in spite of all of the things she has had to deal with. After finding out about her diagnosis, she thought for sure she would be let go. But to the contrary, her boss compassionately gave her a month off to recover and figure everything out and let her come back as she felt she could. God could not have placed a more appropriate, kind group of people around my mom during this time.
This past Saturday my mom, grandma, and I got the chance to sing at the Mother-Daughter Brunch at our church and it was fabulous! On the all the tables were mason jars filled with beautiful lilacs. My mom drank them all in and I knew she loved having them on the table. As we were clearing up the brunch, the women who were in charge told us to take some of the centerpieces home with us. We all got talking and my mom mentioned the lilac bush that I brought from our old house last Mother's Day. I had completely forgotten about it and was so happy to hear that it took to the new soil and is blooming and thriving on its own. My mom has done just the same. She was uprooted from a home she loved, a home with its own personality and replanted in new soil with harsh weather coming from all angles, and she came out in full bloom, looking more radiant than ever!
I love you, Mom!
love this :)
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