I don't understand why God is doing this. I don't understand why he has chosen to make it clear to me that I need to take a break from this relationship right now and NOT make it clear to him. I don't understand why God would do that. It makes everything so much harder. It makes me seem like this crazy lunatic person. I want this relationship so bad. I want to be with him so badly. But God has made it clear (just to me apparently) that that's not right, for now. I kind of understand why, but I don't understand why it's just me. People have been telling me how faithful and trusting I am being, but honestly, if I didn't trust God right now, I would have jumped off a cliff by now. I don't understand how people deal with things like this WITHOUT God? It makes no sense to me and I honestly can't imagine how you could actually come out of the flames okay without Him...
This really feels like I'm ripping my heart out and showing it to him and then taking my other hand and ripping his heart out and then smashing them to bits with a hammer right in front of him.
Talk about a "Happy New Year"... I mean, I guess I could look at this like a whole NEW year, a new start. And I wanted a new start... but I wanted him to be starting new again with me.
I just want him to be right for me and it's tearing me apart.
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